Ekaterina Domankova, co-owner of BeautyHack and mother of three daughters, argues why the concept of a “good” parent is not defined by the presence or absence of an assistant in raising children.
Nanny. What a range of emotions and reactions can be caused by saying only one phrase: "We will have a nanny!"
From joyful hope and a breath of relief to aggressive condemnation and ostentatious disapproval. Perhaps there is no topic on the forums of moms more painful and provocative than the topic of babysitting. Probably only vaccinations. Although in vaccine topics, the degree of condemnation may be lower. This is sad.
Why it happens? Why do many mothers experience serious mental anguish before deciding to use babysitting services? Even if there are no individuals negatively disposed towards nannies in the social circle, the equality “having a nanny = bad mother” is transmitted to us through most communication channels.
It is a crime to hire a nanny to go to work. If you do not work and decide to use the services of a nanny, then you can immediately prepare to be burned at the stake by the Anti-Nyan Inquisition! But if, nevertheless, despite all the social threats, you decide and invite a nanny to work, your soul will be filled with torment and worries because of the inconsistency with the ideal image of the mother. How to stop thinking that you are committing a crime against a child, conscious parenting and the whole playground mommy party?
Let me tell you about how I feel and think about the presence of a wonderful person in the life of my family - a nanny. I'm not ashamed of the plural form of this word: nanny! We already have two of them: the nanny of baby Malika and the nanny of the day off. May the condemning members of the mothers club forgive me!
The option not to have a nanny never existed for me.
My first daughter was born a month before the start of the last year of study at the institute. The nanny arrived a week after giving birth. And although I had the opportunity not to resort to her help for the first month, she was there all the time. In order for me to make sure that I can leave my baby with her with a calm heart, leaving for classes. I had absolutely no agony over the fact that Marusya had a nanny, because there were simply no other options. University, infrequent, but work trips, social life, which I also did not want to completely abandon. I was tormented when I could not spend enough time with my daughter, but these were problems caused not by the presence of a nanny, but by my schedule.
In general, I have never felt like a mother who is ready to completely dissolve in a child and turn off from all other areas of life. I'm used to living at high speeds, multitasking, playing multiple roles at the same time. Having become a mother, I gladly slowed down, but the desire to stop abruptly never arose. Stopping for me is losing myself. And losing yourself never has a positive effect on motherhood.
So, if you don't have enough support in your decision to hire a nanny, if you want to reduce the degree of remorse, then these points of support from a multidimensional mom are for you.
1. Getting tired of motherhood is NORMAL. Being a mom is the hardest job in the world, and it requires involvement every second. Nobody except moms is able to exist in such a schedule. Mothers have the right and must experience fatigue according to all the laws of nature. We all have different physical and emotional temperaments.
Some can sleep less than 8-9 hours a day and still feel great. Someone with such a schedule is not enough. Giving yourself the opportunity to recover is a great boon for mom, baby and the whole family.
2. Having a nanny doesn't make you a “bad” mom
There is no yardstick that could give an understanding of the quality of the mother. You can be with your child 24/7, but at the same time suffer from lack of sleep, constantly feel irritated, angry over little things, or simply be busy with other things, being distracted by the child "out of necessity." You can be with your child for a certain amount of time a day, while being completely immersed in the process of communication, be joyful, give positive emotions and energy that you managed to generate by doing your favorite thing, spending time on work or just getting enough sleep;)
3. Show your child the importance of taking care of yourself / your interests
This is not only normal, but also correct. Competently defined boundaries and their awareness give the child a correct understanding of the processes occurring around him, help to build healthy relationships both with others and with himself.
4. Feelings of guilt are maternal
This mechanism allows mothers to become even better and spend more quality time alone with their child. It means being completely immersed in communication with the little person. Without constant swallowing into the phone, without parallel employment with household chores. Just you, kid, and an interesting time for two.
5. Happy mom - happy kids
It's okay if motherhood doesn't make you one hundred percent happy. But it's not okay if a mom can't make her child happy. Physically and emotionally tired mother, no matter how hard she tries, is not able to give the child all the emotions that she would be ready to give him if she was realized in the areas of life that are important for her
6.From a pedagogical point of view, a professional nanny can give a child more than a mother
First, the nanny is completely focused on the child. The child is the only responsibility of the nanny during working hours, in contrast to the mother with her wide range of concerns. All kinds of developmental activities, incessant conversations, reasoning, study of the world around them - to devote time to all this and a huge number of developmental benefits is beyond the power of most mothers. Secondly, a professional will see the potential, the ability for specific activities, as soon as they give a glimpse, and will direct energy to their maximum disclosure.
I do not have pedagogical skills. I'm terribly annoyed if I don't get enough sleep. I feel overwhelmed if I don't have time for work or social activity. And I really want to go to the gym, meet friends, spend time alone with my husband. I am not a parent who is there every minute of a child's life. But I am the best lover of my children on the whole planet! I never doubt that.
My motherhood without nannies would have been much less successful. Having help allows me to be a fulfilling mom and, just as important, a wife. I am sure that the help will definitely bring pleasure to you.
Nobody has the right to judge your maternal success. Hiring a nanny or not is a decision that only concerns you and your husband. Let no one force you to make excuses for it. Knowing that you are the best mom in the world, with or without a nanny, is your cure for all worries, strangers and your own.