Ksenia Wagner - about how to raise self-esteem, becoming kinder to yourself and the world.
Yesterday, on the escalator in the mall, behind me stood a mother and son, a boy of about six. Mother wool the guy as best she could. "Disgusting, disgusting, disgusting behavior!" She repeated, as if the word "disgusting" was a sweet lollipop that is pleasant to roll over your mouth. The guy's lip trembled and his eyes glistened with tears.
I don't know how he angered his loudmother, but it hurt to look at him. When children are “gargled” in public places, they are ashamed and suffer doubly. The boys are ready to hang themselves.
As a child, one of my classmates' mother beat me with a textbook with the words “fool!” For fours, another in the family was affectionately called “ugly” (I wrote here about how important it is not to replace maternal love with hyper-care for the development of a child), a third father in I took 12 years to a plastic surgeon: "Doctor, what can be done with our ears?" With dad's ears, unlike brains, everything was fine, but her daughter was lop-eared, and, according to her parents, this deprived her of her chances of success.
Then, at the beginning of the distant 90s, children were raised as they liked, but not "in praise." It was historically unacceptable to praise in our country, in the USSR few people read books on child psychology, and even before psychology, when there is nothing to eat, and tanks were on TV?
Why today - in the age of satiety and prosperity - there are mothers who rot their own children, is a mystery to me.
Perhaps many of them are the same under-praised girls from the 90s, my former classmates, and in many ways I myself, although no one beat me or took me to the surgeon. Perhaps we unconsciously repeat the programs of generations that grew up before us.
And if so, we need to break this chain of hereditary humiliation and learn to praise ourselves as adults in order to learn how to praise our children. Because a person with low self-esteem cannot raise a person with high self-esteem.
The methods from the list below may seem banal to someone, but strange to someone, but thanks to them, I personally reached a new level of relations with myself - and, as a result, with the world. And my children stopped hearing the phrases "come on" and "I told whom".
Method one: letters.
Yes, letters to myself. In which you describe the best that you have. Encourage, express confidence in the success of any undertakings, give yourself advice and simply confess your love.
If you are not letting go of childhood grievances, write a letter to that little girl with milk teeth. If adolescent trauma does not heal - yourself a 14 year old.
But best of all - to yourself today, the way you are, what you have become as a result of your life path.
At first it may seem difficult, but after the very first lines it will become easier for you, and the rest of the text will be born by itself. Just imagine yourself, your actions and desires, your life - what it is and what you want.
Write on paper, on a computer, even if it is a note on a smartphone - it is not the form that is important, but the content, and your willingness to communicate with yourself.
Ask yourself questions and write the answers.
The more you write to yourself, the better you will begin to understand your feelings, needs and characteristics, in everything that makes up character. And character, as the ancient Greeks said, creates destiny. And my letter to the future of a sixty-year-old can be read here.
Method two: weekly bonuses.
No, it's not about money. And how to spend them. Pick a day in the week and call it a day of special joy (DOR). On this day, give yourself a gift - for no reason, just like that, for what you have. It can be a thing, or it can be an impression (going to the theater or a date with a friend). The main thing is to realize and feel this moment as the joy that you deserve by the very fact of your existence. It doesn't matter how things are at work and whether you washed all your socks at home, DOR should not become a “payment” for achievements, but simply a habit of a self-confident person.
Method three: acquire secret symbols.
Remember, in childhood we made "secrets" - hid flowers, stones under a glass and covered it all with earth? I remember I loved this feeling of a little secret, my personal magic.
In adulthood, I also do a little bit of magic over symbols that "charge" with the right energy.
A sticker on a mirror, a bracelet on an arm, a coffee cup with an inscription or a shower towel - the symbol can be anything.
The main thing is to come up with your own code words for him and see / use your talisman every day. My words: "the world is beautiful", "there is happiness" and, of course, "I am a fine fellow." By the way, when I was learning to praise myself with a psychotherapist, the doctor advised me to pronounce these words with a special movement - for example, to raise my hand triumphantly. Remember, for example, how they do "yesss!" winning tennis player or throwing up his hands a football player who scored a goal - these are involuntary, natural movements of the winners, dictated by the brain.
And, of course, surround yourself with “happy” pictures - put your best pictures at home and on the screensaver on your phone, put “yourself” happy in your wallet or cosmetic bag, in a prominent place in the car and even just in your pocket. No, this is not narcissism, but small reminders - that you are beautiful, harmonious and unique.
Method four: enter the "three daily achievements" rule.
Every evening, before going to bed, close your eyes, imagine a piece of paper, put a tick on it and mentally write your victories for the day next to it. What you are proud of, what lifted your spirits, gave you strength, gave you a feeling of satisfaction. Celebrate any, even seemingly insignificant, progress. For example, yesterday I praised myself for taking the children to the museum, dismantling the shelf in the closet, and in the evening ate steamed chicken instead of dumplings. Tell me that these are not victories? What more! It is from such small daily achievements that a big successful life is formed as a result. In which you and your loved ones have one - and the best.