Psychologist Nastya Butenko (@butenko_psy) - about why you don't need to wait for "butterflies" in your stomach all the time from a relationship, maintain independence from each other and let "everyday life" occupy all the space in a relationship.
Nastya Butenko
Psychologist
Don't expect the pink pony stage to last forever
The first thing to understand for both men and women entering into a relationship: butterflies in the stomach and the feeling of flying will not always be! The stage of "pink ponies" will definitely end, and after it there will be other stages that need to be overcome. When crazy love passes, ideally, it gives way to affection, warmth. It becomes more than passion. The problem is that many people regard the new stage as the extinction of a relationship. And they do nothing to change the situation. This is the road to nowhere. When entering into a relationship, do not have any illusions and calmly accept the end of the candy-bouquet period as the norm. Read the rules for communicating with your husband here.
Maintain independence
Many experts, for some unknown reason, advise the couple to find a common cause that will unite and bring them closer. I am totally against it. It rarely works. More often than not, a common cause begins to cause irritation - a man and a woman begin to swear even more. If each partner has their own life outside the relationship, they are always pleased to return to them every day and share their successes with a loved one. The ideal option is when the other half does not understand anything about your hobby at all - he will be interested in learning this from you (there will always be a topic for conversation).
Don't let the "everyday" take up all the space in the relationship
"Everyday life" is a story about how everyday and commonplace things begin to play a greater role in a relationship than the relationship itself. Finding out who will take out the trash or wash the dishes becomes more important than sex and leisure activities outside the home.
Oddly enough, but "everyday life" is an important stage in relations. It is at this moment that people open up and become more understandable, close and warm to each other. It's another matter when solving everyday problems takes up all the space in a relationship.
Sometimes, in such cases, the best way out of the situation is the separation of duties at the initial stages of the relationship. It is also important not to get into the partner's area of responsibility. For example, if Sveta wipes the dust on the shelves, her partner Sasha does not comment on how best to do this. If Sasha is responsible for the plumbing, Sveta does not advise him which tool is best for cleaning pipes. This doesn't always work. There are people for whom “everyday life” is a way to be together. When a person understands this peculiarity, no problems arise. If not, it is difficult to establish communication.
Remember: when all life begins to come down to an apartment, a summer residence and a garden - this is not a very good indicator. People become withdrawn and fixated on relationships.
They just sit in different corners and go about their business. And then the relationship itself loses its value.
At the moment when "everyday life" becomes a problem, it is important to sit down and honestly tell each other what is happening. It's not that you are not interested in each other. Silence of problems leads to serious consequences. Sometimes one phrase provides the key to solving them.
Don't be afraid to make plans together
It is not customary for us (they jinx it if they fail to tell about the plans). And that's the problem. At the initial stage, two adults can assume what will happen next - this is normal. Discussing the future is always full of energy, warmth and positive emotions. When people understand that it is easy to talk about such topics, dialogue can be a source of inspiration for both.
It is possible and necessary to talk about children, cars, shared housing. Ask your partner what plans he has in the field of career, whether he likes what he is doing, what he would like to achieve. This dilutes the situation "here and now", taking away from the very "everyday life" that we talked about in the previous post.
Don't ignore the sexuality
Don't forget about your sexuality. She shouldn't suffer. At the same time, you need to understand: it is impossible to constantly be in an agitated state, looking at each other. When passion begins to wane as you move into a new relationship, embrace it. And then the development of events will depend on what people want from the relationship - some do not need this passion at all. If it is important - agree and do not be afraid to experiment.
Interview and text: Natalia Kapitsa
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