Psychologist of the Center for Successful Relationships Yanina Konovko - about why it is important in a couple to be able to ask for forgiveness and why perfectionism in everyday life is bad.
Yanina Konovko
psychologist at the Center for Successful Relationships
In fact, family life begins exactly from the moment when you decide to move in. Regardless of whether you have a stamp in your passport. From now on, it will be necessary to coordinate not only plans for the weekend (or joint vacation), but also thousands of daily small household issues. Adaptation will take about a year and, most likely, it will not be the easiest year of your life, so the advice for couples will definitely come in handy.
There are no rules
There is only your mutual agreement. Maybe you decide that the man will do the cooking, and you take on the cleaning of the pipes and repairing the household appliances, simply because you both enjoy it and are good at it. And that will be fine too. If this is not the case for most families, it doesn't matter! The main thing is that you two are happy with it.
General goals and plans
They must match. If, for example, a girl decided to live together in order to escape from her parents (or because it’s time, age, all the girlfriends have long been, etc.), and the man clearly understands that he wants a family, children and a dog - all this will be combined hard. Or a man moves in mainly for the sake of a regular sex life and delicious homemade food, he has no children in his plans, and the girl has a wedding dress in her head for a long time, and she knows exactly how much baby carriages cost - there is a conflict of interests and inconsistency of plans and goals … An adult, balanced, responsible decision to transfer relations to a new stage is the key to a strong long-term union. The biggest mistake in this situation is to think that after the start of life together, something will change in the mind of the partner. “Here he will see how caring and economical I am,home, loving, and will definitely want an official marriage and children,”the girl thinks. No, he won't see, no, he won't, if he didn't want it initially. It is better to clarify all these questions ashore. I talked about why a one-sided, romanticized view of relationships does not lead to anything good, I talked here.
Live separately from your parents
This is extremely important, especially in the first year or two of creating a family. You yourself need to improve the way of life and the psychological climate in one area. If necessary, you can move in for some time (not forever) with your parents, setting clear rules and boundaries of two families beforehand.
Say thank you to each other for actions and for any help
For a delicious dinner, for a wonderful night, for helping to wash the dishes and lifting bags to the 4th floor, for drying and ironing things. For all! Unfortunately, this skill, instilled in childhood, can be easily lost in family life. Everything begins to be taken for granted, as a norm that does not even involve words of gratitude. But this is not the case. We all need words of support and praise, especially from loved ones. Say "thank you" to each other, but also do not forget about compliments, words of love and admiration. It is very simple, and most importantly, very effective.
Learn to ask for forgiveness
It is difficult to build a relationship with a person who may be aware of his mistakes and mistakes, but does not ask for forgiveness for them. The partner does not understand - he understood / did not understand whether he will continue to do so later or not. Learn to say "I'm sorry, I was wrong (a)."
Speak dissatisfaction
If we are silent about what we do not like in the behavior of our partner, we are offended, sulky, angry, this begins to slowly but surely corrode the relationship. Talk about anything you don't like. After all, there is no other simpler, direct and effective way to correct each other's behavior and improve life. But! Choose the right time, place, calmness of the partner for this conversation and use "I-statements". For example, “I get angry when you; I am offended if; I am sad when you are; it is unpleasant for me when you”, etc.
Maintain your interests and social circle outside the couple
One of the most important tips for young couples! You have the right to communicate with friends, go in for sports, creativity, favorite activities (why and for what - read here). But there is a small amendment: your other half should be aware of where you are, when you return, how you will spend your time and accept it. All of this will benefit your love and feelings.
Do not find fault with trifles, be more tolerant and freer
This is more true for perfectionists who find it difficult to survive socks lying on the floor, dust in the far corner of the room, things in the closet that are not folded in color. A strong desire for an ideal (which, as we remember, cannot be achieved in everyday life) poisons the life of both you and your partner. Work on yourself and temper your perfectionism. Learn to enjoy the process, not the result.
Do not wash dirty linen in public
Make it a rule for everyone (especially your parents) to say only good things about your partner and your life together. Learn to resolve conflicts on your own without involving a third party. If the situation is really serious and traumatic, it is better to contact a specialist and get impartial professional advice. In addition, you should not tell your other half about any negative statements about her from your environment.
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