Journalist Natalya Radulova has already written to us about the pros and cons of civil marriage and the mistakes of modern women. Now let's talk about the complexities of your relationship with your husband's mother.
“What should you add to your coffee? - I ask my friend. - Coffee, sugar? The friend smirks: "Mother-in-law." She has a difficult relationship with her husband's mother. After the wedding, this cheerful girl even stopped conducting highly intellectual conversations with me about the meaning of life and new signs of cellulite in Kim Kardashian - all her stories are now only about "this shrew."
Nothing original, right? When you enter the word “mother-in-law” into a search engine, the system suggests the most popular continuation: “mother-in-law against”, “mother-in-law got it”, “mother-in-law hates me”. Folklore is also not lagging behind. Thousands of funny anecdotes and songs are about the mother-in-law, and some fierce sayings about the mother-in-law: "You will drown in tears from the mother-in-law's caress", "The mother-in-law is on the stove, that the dog is chained", "The mother-in-law has worn out", "The dashing mother-in-law has eyes behind." … And this is no accident. According to statistics, in every fourth divorce, one way or another, it is the husband's parent who is mentioned as the villain and destroyer of the family.
“Imagine, she arrives without warning and immediately climbs into our refrigerator, checks the expiration dates of the products, looks into the pots! - complains a friend. - Insolently explains: "I look, what you feed my son", as if I am a poisoner. And he constantly asks what we have bought new - and then suddenly I persuade my husband to spend money on nonsense. By golly, as if I am enemy number one for her child. " The friend giggles, as if she herself doesn't really believe in what she's saying. But judging by the cold war between these two women, the mother-in-law perceives her that way. As the enemy of your child.
In general, almost all relationships between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law begin with this - there is no presumption of innocence. My mother-in-law, I remember, greeted me so cautiously that it even seemed to me: now she would say "Raise your hands!" and searches me for weapons. This lady did not trust me in advance.
My mother behaved in exactly the same way with my brother's chosen one. “Natasha, everything is lost! - she called me a couple of years ago. - They are getting married!" I didn't understand what the problem was - my brother is twenty-eight, it's time to settle down. “It seems to me that he found a good girl,” I said, and my mother got up: “You just think that Kristina Orbakaite sings well!”
Mom then was in despair and before my eyes turned into a classic harmful mother-in-law: “Natasha, you don't understand! They say that about this girl! She has such a character! " I carefully tried to hint that, in fact, her son and my brother are an adult and it is not for us to decide whom to love: “Mom, what can we do about this?”, And in response a loud voice was heard: “That's why I'm with you and started this conversation! To decide - what can we do about it! " It seems that the parent was seriously convinced that her helpless boy had been fooled by an insidious predator, who would now drag him to her den, hang him upside down and lay her eggs in him.
To worry, constantly, like the sea, is the fate of the mother. She protects the child from birth, sees a threat in every open outlet, hot comforts and every neighbor sneezing in the elevator. Just in case, she also suspects those who get too close to her child. Has your son got a best friend from the parallel class? What if this kid teaches him bad things? A colleague suggested a joint business? As if not thrown. What can we say about a girl who manages to completely take over the mind and heart of her son? A normal mother immediately makes a stance like an alarmed meerkat: "What kind of fifa is this?" And the mother, inclined to overprotection, prepares for battle: "Bring her to dinner, honey, I will explain to you why she is a reptile."
When such a mother finds out that her son is getting married, she does not sleep at night, tosses and turns, thinks: “Ah, Seryozhenka is already listening to this Katka of hers more than to me. He believes her so, stupid, but what if she breaks his heart and leaves him? Will register and chop off an apartment? Will make him plow from dawn to dusk and spend money on clothes and entertainment? Will give birth to a bunch of children, get divorced, sue space alimony, marry an American a second time and take the kids to Texas, such a bloody bastard, will deprive the children of his own father!"
“It will deprive the children of their own father! - shouts the mother in the morning to all relatives who are ready to listen to her. - She is capable of it, this Katka. She won't let Seryozha come to me for the weekend anymore! She wants complete power over him! " A woman losing control panics. Suspects. Blames. Attacks. Behaves as befits a mother, who believes that her offspring are in danger.
But relieving an anxious lady from these fears is actually quite simple. My brother's wife began to communicate with my mother. This girl had something to be offended at, but she always behaved correctly and respectfully. She did not wait for inspectors' visits, but she herself invited my mother to visit. She did not hide, did not sulk, but called herself. And slowly maman calmed down. She realized that there was no threat to her child. On the contrary. He is now a family man, not like some of his peers, who hang around do not understand where and with whom. The daughter-in-law turned out to be an ally. She's the news! - also wished well for her son. And what my mother thought was a tragedy, suddenly turned into a blessing.
And when the boy Vanechka was born, these two women, mother and grandmother, generally sang together. They are now a family, a clan, they are protectors. In my opinion, mother now communicates more frankly and closer with her daughter-in-law than with her son. In principle, it is common for female relatives to support each other, like lionesses in a pride. The biblical story of Naomi and Ruth is about this. That a mother-in-law can love her daughter-in-law like her own daughter, and that the daughter-in-law will always come to the rescue - and both will be rewarded for this by heaven.
“Make contact,” I tell my friend. - The more you snarl and try to lure your husband to your side, the more the mother-in-law is afraid of you. She also thinks you are a shrew. And what kind of mother will be calm, knowing that her son is living with an evil and dangerous woman? So roll up the banners and withdraw the troops. Stop the war - you can see that it doesn't work at all. Be not an enemy, but a friend. AND?"
A friend holds a cup of coffee in her hands and looks as if through me: “And yesterday she brought curtains as a gift… I don't understand what a person thinks? Can't you first ask if we need curtains, especially green ones. Damn green! Does she not see the color scheme of our apartment at all?.. Well, word for word, I expressed everything, this one began to intercede, she is all offended … Tell me: why doesn't she love me?"
Text: Natalia Radulova