Childhood tantrums are one of the biggest problems for parents. True, sometimes this happens due to improper upbringing or the reaction of moms and dads to certain requests of the kids. Perinatal psychologist and psychosomatics specialist Natalia Braga told BeautyHack about ten major mistakes of adults that can cause children to behave inappropriately. And we asked Ekaterina Domankova, the founder of the portal and mother of three children, to comment on how these tips are reflected in practice.
1. A parent cannot hear his child
Perinatal psychologist and psychosomatics specialist
Nobody screams just like that, not even a child. And if it became clear that hysteria is the main way of communication between a baby and his parents, it means that they do not hear him when he calmly communicates his needs. Try to pay more attention to your son or daughter, most importantly, do not ignore his questions or requests. Talk to him slowly and calmly. The child should know that you are interested in communicating with him.
- I think that many parents often forget that it is necessary to communicate with the child. Not only ask questions about how the day went, but talk about your own, discuss situations, interesting moments. Thus, the mechanism of successful communication starts. The quality time spent with the child - in play, communication - is the guarantee that the baby feels safe and does not feel the need to attract the attention of parents in an alternative way. Checked!
2. The parent considers hysteria a form of manipulation
It is important to understand that the baby is not able to build a complex logical relationship of analysis - conclusions - actions: until the age of seven, his brain was not ripe for such operations. Hysterics can either be a way to reach out to adults, or it indicates that parents are too lazy to find an approach to the child and give him understandable explanations why something needs to be done now, but something is basically impossible.
- I think that hysteria is often a form of manipulation. This applies to those cases when the child tries to achieve what he wants in this way, and the adult, in turn, is not able to correctly convey to the child that this method is not suitable. Once, when my eldest daughter was three years old, she started crying and being capricious in the store - she wanted to buy something for her. I had to squatting down to explain that we don't need it, and to say that when what Marusya wants to buy comes in handy, we will go for it together. The hysteria did not stop immediately, but after a while and long conversations about what had happened, the daughter understood everything and this behavior never happened again.
3. The parent demands the impossible
This happens when the parent himself does not know the age abilities of the baby and requires things from him that he has not yet matured. For example, a mother wants to take the child home from the playground, where he plays with enthusiasm. And he does it quite abruptly, not realizing that the baby, due to age, simply does not know how to quickly switch from one activity to another. But the mother demands immediate unquestioning obedience and begins to get angry with the child, because he does not obey and behaves "badly".
- Parents often lack patience and time, literally a few calm patient minutes. It is not always easy to simply wait, calmly explaining that it is time to do something else. We must look for arguments, turn on imagination. In the real world, this does not always work. But I try and always see a positive result.
4. The parent does not understand the true reasons for the child's whims
Often behind the tears of a baby is an elementary failure to fulfill his basic needs: sleep, drink, get attention. And the problem could be solved just with a glass of water or a warm hug. But mom doesn't understand this.
She wants to walk around the mall for the third hour in a row and update her wardrobe. Then she is indignant why the baby does not share her desires.
- If we talk about children's graphics, then for me this is a constant. Not sleeping, eating at an unusual time is an exception, not a rule. For children of preschool age, a failure of the regime is a great stress, I try to prevent this. But I, as a mother, of course know that hysteria-regime-failure to meet needs are not always connected.
5. The parent does not explain to the child what is happening to him
The kid needs to say what is happening to him now. In this way, he learns to identify his feelings and needs, explain them and understand how to act in different situations. For example, you might say, “I understand you're tired now. Let's eat and go home. " But if the parent himself does not realize what the problem is, then he will not be able to explain anything, and even more so to stop the hysteria. At the same time, the child gets the feeling: “They don’t understand / hear me”. And he will try to shout to adults more and more until they understand him.
- I do not always manage to understand what caused the hysteria. Before, I did not know how to react to it, not understanding the reasons. In the case of my children, tantrums are always associated with inner anxiety, and not with attempts to persuade to buy something or go somewhere. The most effective way for me to end a tantrum is to demonstrate love: hug, calm down with words, and after the passions have subsided, talk and explain that everything can be solved without crying and crying. My experience as a mother suggests that this is the only way to stop a tantrum that works for me and my children.
6. The parent struggles with the child
This happens when mom and dad do not know how to defend their personal boundaries and, accordingly, cannot provide healthy boundaries for the child. As a result, they start to get irritated. The kid in a similar situation feels rejection of his parents and does not feel safe. This makes him unnecessarily anxious. And he has no other mechanisms for expressing emotions, except crying and screaming.
- I am convinced of this from my own experience. I always explain to my children that mom is “human too,” and I need time for myself, for work, for dad. Six-year-old Marusya already understands this well and tries to explain to her middle daughter Ivanka why her mother, for example, does not sleep with the children. It doesn't always work, but it definitely works by the age of six).
7. The parent ignores the child's tantrum
This happens when adults are not able to withstand the emotions of the child, it is easier for them to close, withdraw, and not react in any way. But for a baby, mom and dad are life, without their care, he will not survive. Accordingly, when the parents close, he literally experiences the fear of death and is ready to do anything to regain the lost disposition. At a young age, children begin to cry loudly, hysteria. And at a more conscious age, due to the constant neglect of parents, it will be difficult for a child to build healthy, harmonious relationships with other people.
I think that by completely preventing the child from feeling and realizing his emotions, we are also doing him a disservice. It is very important to be aware of when to react and when to give your child a chance to feel unpleasant emotions.
8. The parent deprives the child of his love
It sounds something like this: "You are behaving badly, I will no longer hug you / play with you / pay attention to you," etc. For babies, such phrases can sound very cruel, they can feel vulnerable and unnecessary. And in this case, hysteria cannot be avoided. Further worse: because of such manipulations, people grow up with an excellent student's complex. Often they have gold medals and honors earned to the delight of parents on their shelves. Only the children themselves are deeply unhappy and do not even understand what they want in this life.
- Again the question of the depth and duration of the reaction. In my opinion, it is very important to give the child an adequate feedback so that he understands that negative actions have negative consequences. Yes, it is very important to choose expressions, but pretending that nothing happened is also not worth it. This behavior will not allow the child to build the right relationship with the outside world, in my opinion.
9. The parent shames the child for his emotions
Shame is one of the hardest feelings to live with. And a child cannot do it at all, especially without the support of an adult. It is worth saying in public: “Aren't you ashamed! Look at how others look at you! " - and that's it, the baby becomes difficult to control his emotions.
And then he will live the rest of his life with an eye on public opinion.
- I totally agree. I have a taboo on phrases like "everyone will think of you as …" or "what someone's aunt will say". Children should not learn to be guided by the opinion of people who are not authoritative for themselves.
10. The parent suppresses the child's tantrum by screaming
Often it seems to parents that they can just show the child who is stronger here. But this way the problem only gets worse. The kid learns the demonstrated form of communication and will speak with you "in the same language." It is also important to understand that one day the moment will come when an adult son or an adult daughter will shout you down.
- Shouting is not a way out of the situation. Never before has he helped me out of the conflict, only exacerbated it. But, of course, we are all real people and sometimes it is simply impossible not to raise our voice. For myself, I clearly understand that screaming is an extreme measure and, as a rule, it is a reflection of my inner state, and not a response to the behavior of children. Therefore, first I try to exhale and wait a few seconds before deciding with what intonation to address my thought to the children).
What to do when a child is hysterical?
There is only one correct option that you can always turn to, and that is your love. It is she who will give you the necessary resource and wisdom to understand your baby and help him cope with difficult emotions. Psychological practice is not aware of a single case when a child's life was ruined by parental love. But by ignoring, suppressing, we devalue emotions - as much as necessary. It is up to you to decide how your baby will become when he grows up - comfortable or happy.
- Love is the best medicine for the prevention and treatment of hysteria. Earlier it seemed to me that regretting and hugging was not an option, that it would only give the child the understanding that hysteria is a great way to get things done. On an intuitive level, she began to extinguish uncontrollable children's emotions with affection and warmth. After all, we all, when we feel bad, want our loved one to hug us, calm us down and calmly talk about our mistakes. I am very happy that I realized in time which tactic would be correct. And not only I am happy, children also like this approach.