The Author Of The Book "Important Things To Children ", Blogger Natalia Remish: "Conscious Parenting Is The Ability Not To Think In Cliches

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The Author Of The Book "Important Things To Children ", Blogger Natalia Remish: "Conscious Parenting Is The Ability Not To Think In Cliches
The Author Of The Book "Important Things To Children ", Blogger Natalia Remish: "Conscious Parenting Is The Ability Not To Think In Cliches
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Three years ago Natalia Remish published her first book “To Children About Important Things. About Dima and others. How to talk about complex topics”, and a little later, based on the stories, the cartoon“About Dima”was filmed - about the meeting of the girl Mira and a special boy who did not look like her friends. The idea was supported by the press and stars: the mother in the cartoon is voiced by Olga Shelest, and the girl Mira is voiced by Masha Vakulenko. In a couple of weeks, the cartoon scored a million views.

Now a well-coordinated team is behind the project "Important things for children", and its founder has a lot of plans for the future. BeautyHack asked Natasha what she is working on at the moment, what she means by the phrase "conscious parenting" and what books she advises moms and dads to read.

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Natalya, in your blog you write a lot about mindfulness. How did it happen that this topic suddenly became so important for all of us? Is there a trend or a hype in this?

Once I spoke at the Naked Heart forum, and Natalia Vodianova said that in order for the masses to become interested in charity, it must become fashionable. As someone who has worked in marketing for a long time, I understand that trends spread like this.

Now, indeed, many are talking about tolerance, awareness and personal boundaries. But you need to understand that different people mean by these concepts something of their own, and some do not even know what is behind all these terms, and obviously oppose. Therefore, after talking with psychologists, I realized that a person always needs to clarify: "What do you mean when you talk about this word?"

There is a boom in psychology in Russia now. It was born thanks to Lyudmila Vladimirovna Petranovskaya and Yulia Borisovna Gippenreiter. And it's great! We realized that we can talk about our problems. This is no longer called “washing dirty linen in public,” but involves seeking support and exchanging views and advice.

Suddenly, it became possible to find people who think like you, and who have experienced the same childhood trauma as you. It turned out that we are all very similar.

And many more of us were able to afford to focus on the intangible. For example, people who have achieved success in work or business, have a stable financial position, began to think: “Everything is clear with money. And then what? " And then they realized that the issue of basic needs is closed, but the inner hole remains and, perhaps, material goods are not the most important thing in life. This is how the word “awareness” appeared in our lives and the lives of our children.

Many modern parents have come up with the so-called "antiscenario" by psychologists: "I will do it differently than my mother." After all, raising our child, we partially "heal" ourselves. This is not because our parents were monsters, but because they survived in those conditions, they did not have knowledge. And suddenly such a huge amount of information fell on us. But so far, all this concerns more mothers, since in Russia, first of all, we have to talk about motherhood, and not about fatherhood.

Is it different in the Netherlands?

In matters of parenting, the Netherlands is generally ahead of the rest. One of my friends, having come to us and seeing fathers with baby carriers in the city, said: "How many gays are there." And these were just dads on a walk.

There are many indicative moments. For example, in case of divorce, all aspects of the further upbringing of a child by mom and dad are documented. Up to the point that parents are required to attend school holidays together or at home, mom and dad should have the same muesli that the child loves. Plus in Russia until now, when a mother goes somewhere, they may ask: "Who are the children with?" It is simply difficult to imagine this here: it is clear that the children are with their dad.

The task of the parent is to form the child's psychological stability

What does awareness mean to you?

For me, awareness is, first of all, the ability not to think in cliches. It is important to strive to question the phrases to which we are all accustomed from childhood, and to ask ourselves the questions: “Why is it so necessary? Why should everyone be the same? What does this mean specifically for me and my family?"

I am often asked: “What if we in the family believe that the child can have his own opinion and openly express it? And grandparents don't think so. " I believe we need to keep these stories separate. They are the main ones in their house, which means that you should not argue and persuade them, but it is important to remain unconvinced.

Then you will not live by stereotypes, but will be able to make decisions that will be good for you.

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But there is a school with its own rules …

Yes, there are many questions to the education system. Moreover, in any country: here, in the Netherlands, my husband went to parent meeting at the school of our middle daughter Lola, where he was told that she had problems with the calculator. He clarified: does she think logically, understand mathematics, can she manually solve the problem according to her logic? All the questions were answered: "Yes, but it does not work well with the calculator." To which the husband said: "Do you teach them math or knock on the keys?" And I got the answer: "To be honest, at the moment, knock on the keys." And similar stories can be heard in any country.

We, in turn, decided to tell our daughters: “Yes, unfortunately, this is such an imperfect system. We do not know when there will be global world changes, so we have to adapt. " We have not yet found the ideal school, but we are adjusting to the system, preserving our identity.

Another thing is the psychological environment in the team and the relationship with teachers. Here the parent's task is to form the child's psychological stability. Then, during a conflict, he will be able to separate himself from the teacher who behaves incorrectly or even aggressively, and will understand that this is the problem of the teacher, and not himself. Yes, perhaps the child will treat him with less respect, but this is again the teacher's problem. If a child has inner confidence, and he also knows that there are parents behind him who will support him, it will be much easier for him to go through all the situations at school.

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But what if the child is faced with bullying?

The main advice that all psychologists give: parents should support the child. And it doesn't matter which side he turned out to be: he is bullied or he behaves aggressively. Even if he acts as an aggressor, the parent's task is to say: "This, of course, is not good, but let's think together what we are going to do with this."

In conscious parenting, it is important that we are on the same side with the child.

The children were sorted out. And how can a parent maintain psychological stability in the flow of affairs, not to break down and not lose his temper?

When you want to yell at someone or swear at someone, you need to take a break. Do not raise your voice and shout louder and louder so that you can be heard, but immerse yourself in silence and think about what was said. And then discuss everything without screaming, which still sounds like an annoying background in loved ones, they do not perceive him.

Another piece of advice was given to me by a psychologist: always go for a walk if you feel emotional stress. When this is not possible, you can always go to another room or kitchen, ask loved ones to be alone, turn on cartoons for children … Anything to save your psychological state at the moment. Thus, you literally physically get out of this situation.

I also try to catch irritation at a low level, monitor my emotional state, do not close my eyes to situations when I feel even minimally uncomfortable. And at this moment, calmly, without pretensions, I voice my problem to my relatives, I am not silent. The main thing here is to control your tone, look, posture.

It is more difficult with very young children, but there is always a trick that works: the parent simply sits down on the level of the child and asks him to listen carefully.

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Can you identify three books that you would recommend to each parent?

I'll start with the book The Invisible Boy by Trudy Ludwig. This is a story about how society makes a child invisible, ignoring him and not noticing his talents. Children will be very interested!

For parents of young children, I would recommend Dana Saskind's “30 Million Words”, which is great at explaining why it is important to talk to a child.

And two more important books: "The emotional intelligence of a child", which talks about the emotional development of a person, and "Education by heart", which turns the mind over to the point of "praise should not be scolded." In the second book, the author explains why praising is just as bad as scolding, and why rewarding your child with purchases is not a good idea.

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Difficult topics for parents and children are completely different

Natalya, tell us what you are doing now. What projects are you implementing?

I am engaged in a multimedia project for children and parents, which includes the development of several channels: we are making an animated series (two series "About Dima" and "Escape" have already been released, two more will be ready by mid-March), a series of books (published three years ago the book "Important things for children. About Dima and others. How to talk about difficult topics", we are waiting for the second in March), and from this year we begin to conduct offline activities in all regions of Russia: lessons for children and seminars on conscious parenting, which will organize project volunteers with the support of psychologists. Actually, all this is now taking my time.

In your first book, Important Things To Children, you talked about the attitude in society towards children with disabilities, towards people of other nationalities, about money and friendship. Few people still dare to talk about this in children's literature. How do you come up with stories for cartoons and books?

As for the creation of cartoons, I am the producer of this project (that is, a person who is looking for money from partners and sponsors) and I write the scripts myself. I collect and process a large amount of information in order to focus not only on my experience of motherhood, but also on people with opposite opinions. Here "moms" publics come to the rescue. How it happens: someone from the team posts information in the public, like “What to do if a child was hit on the court? I think we need to fight back. What would you advise? " And the flow of information begins, which we then segment and discuss with a psychologist in order to understand in which direction to display the script. Often, one such "stuffing" into the public can provide ideas for 4-5 scenarios or topics for a book.

Then the director and sometimes outside experts join the project. For example, we discussed the Escape cartoon with the Search for Missing Children organization.

There is a huge amount of work behind the final result in the form of 6 minutes of a cartoon or a book.

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Now the project "Important things to children" has clear goals and strategy. But, as far as I understand, all this did not appear immediately, and you created the first book literally for yourself and your daughter Mira?

In fact, I still continue to talk about the topics that bother me in the first place. For example, in the book, which will be released in March, one of the texts is devoted to conflicts between older and younger children, for my family it is now super relevant. We are also talking about how to talk to a child about pregnancy, I also came up with this topic when I learned that our youngest daughter is going to be born.

But yes, it all started quite prosaically. I moved to Amsterdam and was just delving into the aspects of parenting. Then I understood that I needed to read books with children, but I did not have literature in Russian. As a result, she wrote poetry for her child herself. Then they began to acquire a deeper meaning and were transformed into a book about the girl World.

What topics of conscious parenting are most relevant to you now? What is important to talk to children about?

In my opinion, the topic of sibling relationships is very important. There are many nuances in it! In the future, I want to write a text about adopted children, since there are certain “stigmas” on this topic in society.

Oddly enough, another important story is about homeless people. When I began to read about it myself, I learned that these are not alcoholics and drug addicts, but often people who have found themselves in a difficult life situation.

Naturally, the future book will deal with the topic of conscious consumption: from separating waste to shopping for things.

In fact, it often turns out that difficult topics for parents and children are completely different. For example, my dad died two years ago. I was in a state of shock and could not understand: how to convey to 2-year-old Mira that her beloved grandfather was no longer there. It turned out that this topic is not difficult for her, since there is still no concept of death in the child's world.

But the situation when she lost her beloved toy dog ​​is really deplorable for her. It turns out that I have to spend more effort on conversations of this kind.

Therefore, the main message of the entire project is that it is necessary to listen to children and hear what is important to them. At first glance, a lot of this may seem like nonsense to us.

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