7 Questions Not To Ask Teens

Columnist of BeautyHack Anastasia Chistyakova - about the stupidest and useless questions that you shouldn't ask your children.

No, of course, no one will forbid you to ask. But this is absolutely pointless: either they will not answer you, or they will masterly lie. And no, it's not your fault: it's not a lack of trust. It's just that a teenager also grows personal boundaries. And that's okay.

Where have you really been?

If you somehow, whether using a beacon on your phone, hearing testimony from witnesses, or seeing with your own eyes that your teenager was spending time in a completely different place, this question will only aggravate the situation. Look: he said that he would be visiting Vasya, but he himself went for a walk to the other end of the city? First, do not rush to write the offspring as a liar. They could quarrel with Vasya. Together with Vasya, they could decide that it is better to go for a walk. During his stay with Vasya, a friend could call and invite him to walk, and it turned out to be more interesting than being with Vasya. And only on the fourth place is the version "He specifically said that Vasya, but himself …".

With your question, you immediately fall into 2 undesirable goals: you let the child know that you are following him (even if you accidentally saw him on the street, he will think that way) and convince you that you are ready to take him on a run and consider him a liar. What do you think is the likelihood that next time he will tell you the truth, since you still don't believe him?

What is this Masha, where did she come from?

If your teenager has new acquaintances that he is in no hurry to talk about, his boundaries are much wider than you think, and you will have to come to terms with this. Finding out where this or that boyfriend or girlfriend came from in the life of a young man, you act as a controller, even if in fact you are driven by simple curiosity. After all, a teenager, if we assume an honest answer to a question, will have to devote you to a lot of details: exactly where they met, in which company, at what event or under what circumstances. A teenager has the right not to want to talk about all this. The only way to know something about a new person in your child's life is to ask: “Masha? Your new friend? " If he wants, he will use it and tell. Not wanting - alas. Remember: if a teenager does not want to tell you something, he will lie or get mad and shut up.

What are you going to do there?

What will the group of teenagers do at the party? Hmm, let me guess … It is unlikely that they will read Pushkin, play chess and drink tea with grandma's pies. Yes, you probably won't enjoy their entertainment too much. But can you influence her? And what do you think, if the child realizes that you are unlikely to be delighted with a truthful answer, what will he tell you?

Why do you have 3 and Lena has 5?

You should not ask this question even to a first-grader, and even to a teenager. What response are you waiting for? “Because I didn’t learn much”? "Because I'm stupider than Lena"? Comparing a teenager with someone else, you beat on the still unformed self-esteem, as if hinting that you would be more satisfied with a son or daughter with A's, and you don't really like a C grade. And how does it feel for a teenager to receive “you don’t suit me” feedback? Trust me, it won't make him study better.

If the three is accidental, the teenager will fix it without your participation.

If the study as a whole rolled downhill, it makes sense to talk about problems, discuss the situation with the teacher alone, without a child, perhaps think about tutors or additional classes. But there is no way to figure out how Lena could get a grade higher than your child.

Why is your room a mess?

Again a brilliant question to which you know the answer before you uttered the last word. Let me answer you right away: because he scattered things and does not want to clean up. It's true, honestly. There is no other reason for the mess. The question is, what do you care about your son's room. Indignation is understandable if the room is used by other family members, and the mess objectively prevents everyone from living.

But if this is only and exclusively your child's room, this is his territory, and he can arrange anything on it, except for making an open fire. You don't have to put it away, you don't have to ask for dirty clothes, you don't have to look for lost items.

This is the area of ​​responsibility of the teenager and his personal difficulties. All you can demand is that the mess not crawl beyond the threshold of the room. All.

With whom and where are you going?

It would seem that we have sorted out this issue in the first paragraph, but no: there we are talking about the established (and the teenager understands this) fact that the child is not there. Where it was announced. The suspicion of the 80th level immediately arises: it has not gone anywhere yet, but you are already on your guard. In the question itself, there is already discontent, you clearly communicate that you do not approve of either the company or the destination. Well, you will end up with point one, version four. Moreover, even if a teenager answers you honestly where and with whom, it will not give you anything, because they can change plans a minute after the meeting.

Why do you need money?

Champion question. You cannot control the thoughts and feelings of your teenager, you cannot control his movements, you cannot control his social circle, but MONEY: that is what is completely and completely in your hands. Dominate, rule, humiliate: a teenager has nowhere to get money legally, except from adults. And the worst thing you can do is insist on a penny report and justification for the smallest spending. This is humiliating. This means that you are free to punish or pardon, deciding whether the teenager's desire is worthy of being realized or not. I will make a reservation: naturally, if you are suddenly asked for 10,000 rubles or another significant amount for the budget, the question will be appropriate and reasonable. But if the child is going for a walk on the weekend and asks for 500 rubles, just give them if you have them, or refuse them if you don't. Explain that 200 will go for coffee, 75 - for ice cream,and the rest - for movies and popcorn - infuriates. No, IT'S PURE.

The optimal solution, which suits both parents and children, is the issuance of a certain amount once a month, which is agreed at the family council, without a report on the amount spent. You can save, you can distribute, you can dispose of it at your discretion.

This is putting financial leverage in the hands of a teenager with a budget. This is your respect for him.

To summarize all of the above, you get a sad but honest thought: your child has grown. You are no longer in control of his life. And if you want to remain good friends, maintain authority and respect, feel trust and closeness with him, leave him alone. This is a temporary game with only one goal: he leaves, and it depends only on you whether he returns or not. If he feels that he is loved and expected, respected and trusted, accepted and does not violate personal boundaries, he will definitely return.