Psychologist Lada Lapina talks about why a child (and you!) Needs a nanny.
“The Banks moved into Number Seventeen, with Mrs. Brill, who cooked for them, and Elin, who set the table, and Robertson, Hey, who mowed the lawn. And of course, there was also Nanny Katie, who had already left House Seventeen by the time our story began.
- Without saying hello or goodbye! “As Mrs. Banks put it. - Without warning! What should I do?"
(P. Travers, Mary Poppins).
Indeed, what was this spoiled English mother to do, who has not only a cook and a gardener, but also a special table-set? Is it possible to take care of the children myself? What a nightmare. It seemed that such an outrageous thought had never occurred to her. Okay, I'm exaggerating a little about outrageousness, spoiledness and nightmare, but Mrs. Banks, it seems to me, definitely did not have such a Code of Real Woman that is firmly embedded in the heads of modern ladies.
Why exactly the woman's code and not the mother's? Because it is correct to be a mother and be approved by society, because this corresponds to the nature, purpose and text of the gender role. But now this is absolutely not enough. Today it is necessary not only to give birth several times, but at the same time to be an impeccable "girl from the cover", a professional in her field (or even better - the owner of her own business), be sure to have a hobby and a happy marriage. To be such, of course, you need to maintain comfort and decorate the house, cook, seduce, understand psychology and modern art to keep the conversation going. Mary Poppins, of course, revels in her perfection in vain, in vain. She is far from the ideal imposed by current standards.
But the most surprising thing is that the cruel god called "society" has little female perfection. Give him lightness, airiness and a wave of a magic wand, in other words - omnipotence. Somehow you need to build a career and be inseparable with five children and a well-groomed woman who looks much younger than her age from head to toe. The status of "mother" among this freak show loses its inexpressible and transcendent complexity and becomes something that is also realized supposedly easily and simply.
It looks like this: a child of girls leading a healthy lifestyle starts quickly, carries without problems, rejoices in yoga for pregnant women in the womb, is born beautifully and photogenically. Long-term lactation gives pleasure to all participants in the process, mom prepares and eats beautiful and correct food, and no one has any allergies, colic and hysterics. The child is good and does not eat cat food. And so on. The realism of such a picture is only confirmed by social networks and advertising (and they pursue their own commercial goals), therefore, a woman whose life does not fit into the ideal format constantly experiences a painful burning shame.
A woman should revel in motherhood? And she doesn't get drunk. Should love to walk and play with your child? And she hates. Need to keep up with pumping your abs and doing a hundred sun salutations? And she does not have time. Doesn't have time, doesn't get drunk, doesn't love, gets tired like a thousand devils and constantly scolds himself. He even hates it. Because it does not match the perfect picture. But, first of all, not getting tired is unrealistic, sorry. And secondly, such a mother most likely has other interests and needs besides motherhood. It can be scientific and creative activities, travel, volunteering, extreme sports, and being "only a mother" does not give her much happiness.
And here we come to the second part of the Marlezon ballet, where Mrs. Banks has absolutely no doubts that she needs a new nanny, and no idea of "myself" is based in her booklets.
And our contemporary, who yearns for mountain routes and an unfinished dissertation, doubts. The fact that she needs a nanny in principle, even if there are no available grandmothers on the horizon.
Yet they can easily cope on their own! Everybody has time. They get drunk and love. Hiring a nanny is to admit that you are a trembling creature with no right to respect. Recognize your weakness, vulnerability, and imperfection. And it’s also crazy to pay a lot of money for this Chinese torture.
All means are good to prevent such self-destructive thoughts. The nanny who can destroy such a beautiful picture of omnipotence is declared enemy number one. What are the arguments against "Arina Rodionovna"? First, the child will love the nanny, and the nanny will love him. What more. I gave birth to him, and I love him. Secondly, he will assimilate her words and culture, then you will not be ashamed, I will not allow it. Thirdly, all the earnings of the nanny will go, but what's the point? Fourthly, what kind of mother am I if I leave my own blood to someone else's aunt? Echidna. Cuckoo. Shame.
The saddest thing is that interrogation with the addiction of conventional "grandmothers from the bench", who care about everything and who are always not enough, joins the host of internal critical voices. Single? Bad. Married, and why not children? There is? Why only one? Oh, two? Nowadays two have already failed, we must at least adopt. Do they go to kindergarten? Sadly, there is no home warmth. Are they sitting at home? They will not have socialization, why are you so. Nanny? Wow, what a lady. We had no nannies and nothing, we survived.
In general, criticism from the outside and the feeling of being a failure on the inside deprive many mothers of support in the difficult home-educational work. Kindergarten, as a more socially approved institution, may not solve the problem of assistance. Many children adapt to it only after a few years, often get sick, and all this time the mother is deprived of sufficient sleep, rest, free time and activities that do not concern the child and everyday life. And no matter how attractive it is to think that the human body is able to cope with everything, there would be willpower, this, unfortunately, is an illusion. And if we don't meet our important needs, then fatigue and burnout won't keep us waiting long.
A burnt-out mother, of course, is still needed by the child, but with a calm and relaxed mother it will be somehow easier - it will not seem that he is constantly bad.
And just with relaxation, a nanny can help. Which in fact is not only not a crime against motherhood, but often an absolutely necessary condition for it. Because, no matter how hackneyed it sounds, the child needs a happy mother, not exhausted by routine work, trying to do everything and not die of self-criticism. Otherwise, he himself will not learn to be like that. And if a mother needs more trips to the lakes with a fishing rod for happiness, then a nanny is a lucky ticket.
A woman whose needs are realized not only in motherhood, even if she is forced to give all her salary to her assistant, receives much more in return. She continues her professional development, maintains communication skills, takes care of her image, restores independence, but most importantly, she does not make her feel happy and effective where this is impossible. And then the child, by the way, will delight her much more (as opposed to the idea "must, because I am everything for him"). So, if you listen to yourself, and not to dogmas and rules and allow yourself to be imperfect, then the decision about a helper will come easier.
Entrusting a child to a stranger - many have a natural fear of this. If you are still ready to invite a nanny, you should study the experience of those who have come across this, choose a trustworthy recruiting agency or Internet resource, devote time to security issues, and also make a detailed list of personnel requirements. The more details, the better, and here you have the right to expect from the assistant what you yourself want to give your child.
The more understanding you have, the less “crimes against motherhood”.
The nanny will not replace the mother of the baby. The smaller the child, the more a nanny is needed for the mother herself - for example, she can let her sleep. The nanny will keep mom alive!
And one more goal will connect you with her: to raise a child happy with life. And at the same time you will not lose your own, separate from him, happiness. Mrs. Banks certainly did not limit herself in this. And maybe that's why it went down in history.
Author: Lada Lapina
Popular by topic
From Kombucha To Kombucha: How Our Grandmothers' Favorite Drink Became A Trend All Over The World And Why Nutritionists Advise To Be Careful With It
Make room, matcha, coconut water and celery juice! You have been replaced by another trend - kombucha. And, unlike other foreign superfoods, many of us got to know this as a child. Remember the three liter ba
The sunglasses, like the bag, cannot be cheap, or at least bought at a sale from an unknown manufacturer. But, unlike a bag, it's not about fashion, it's about health. If the glasses do not protect against ultraviolet
Personal Experience: What Is The Difference Between A Genetic Test And A Food Intolerance Test, And Why I Took Them
Tests that will tell you what to eat in order to lose weight and to make your skin perfect seemed like a dream not so long ago. Now genetic tests that determine your predisposition to disease, nutrition and exercise
Pilates should be practiced in parallel with other sports, as it helps the body, says movement expert Victoria Borovskaya. 1 The Polstar Pilates System is not just training on a mat or equipment. This is practical
Almost all Biologique Recherche cosmetics have a very unpleasant odor, some SkinCeuticals products take a long time to get used to because of their specific aroma, the SK-II brand is also not famous for pleasant fragrances. And yet uh