Why is it important to follow through on your promises and avoid the phrase “all the best for children”? Oksana Blank, a child psychologist at the Center for Successful Relations, spoke about the mistakes that parents often make and gave recommendations on raising children.
Child psychologist "Center for Successful Relationships"
Moms and dads should share their experiences with each other
When a child appears in a family, women expect help and support from men, without voicing their desires. You need to understand that male and female psychology are completely different things. Having become a father, a man acutely feels the crisis. He is responsible for supporting the family and raising the child. It is important here to talk, discussing difficulties and problems.
Avoid Exaggerated Maternal Roles
When I conduct trainings and ask to voice the social role, women first of all say “mother”. Women with a hypertrophied maternal role take care of children a lot, do not allow them to take a step. This leads to the fact that at an older age, he becomes helpless.
Let your child be independent
Intellectual development occurs in parallel with physical development: when motor skills are formed, the child learns to tie shoelaces, dress, and put away toys.
Many mothers, citing lack of time, prefer to do many things for their child. As a result, by the age of 14, children are unable to make a bed or prepare their own breakfast.
If the baby shows interest in something, he needs to be given the opportunity to be independent and proactive.
Avoid the phrase "All the best for children"
At the reception I had a mother who was in a difficult financial situation, nevertheless she said that she provided only the best for her child. There is no need to build mountains of gold around children, this is fraught with the fact that at the age of 20 he will open his eyes to the world and see a very contradictory picture.
Vocalize your affairs and interests to children
Often mothers neglect their desires and needs in favor of children. This is not true! The child should know that the parents also have their own interests, which are not inferior in importance to those of children. The same applies to shopping: the child should not see that you are saving on yourself, trying to allow him everything he wants.
Be an example for your children
After three years of decree, women often say, “This is horrible! I forgot about myself and my desires! " You need to be an example for your children. How will they develop if they see boring, uninteresting people in their parents? At the end of the preschool period, children begin to understand the social roles of their parents: mom works, she is respected, she has an important job. He realizes the value of the social status of parents.
Tell your child about your work
Parents may not attach importance to their work against the background of caring for the child. It turns out a situation when the whole family, including grandparents, comes to the kid's matinee, all his relatives are interested in his affairs, and the kid may not know where and by whom mom and dad work. I see this a lot.
Teach children about family achievements
There is an important point here: there is no need to talk about career growth or improving financial situation against the background of other people's failures.
Don't overload children
It surprises me when a child goes to five places on New Year's holidays, because he has four circles and a kindergarten. As a result, the 3-year-old baby sees Santa Claus for five days in a row, not fully understanding who he is. Mom seeks to enroll the child in several sections, explaining this by his frantic activity.
On the contrary, because of the large number of sections, children get tired and overexcited from this, cannot fall asleep, calm down.
In the preschool period, the main activity is a role-playing game
As a result of playing with peers and parents, the child acquires all the necessary knowledge and skills. A preschooler came to see me. His schedule included choreography, music, painting, Italian - about 6 lessons. Do you think he had time to rest or play in the yard?
Mom and Dad should be at the same time
No matter how much they talk about this problem, the situation when dad allows, but mom does not, occurs very often. The same contradictions occur between parents and grandmothers.
The regime and rules are not Soviet remnants
Children can live more comfortably with rules. When a child understands what can and cannot be done, realizes that pranks lead to negative consequences, he develops motivation and understanding why he needs it. If you do not limit it to a frame, it will be lost. The rules teach you to save your time and the time of others, to understand that there are other people around whose interests need to be respected.
Connivance is the worst form of communication with a child
When a child has done something and does not know whether it is good or bad, he does not understand what consequences this or that action will lead to.
Give your child the choice
There is no need to be realized at the expense of the child. Let him choose his hobbies and sections. If you haven't learned to play an instrument in childhood or adolescence, it's time to do it now, and not try to impose a new hobby on your son or daughter.
Get ready to work hard with your child
If you enrolled your child in a music school, be prepared for the fact that you will study together for 8 years. However, the results may not be the best. And nobody goes to the meetings except you. Is it worth plunging your family into stress if you yourself are not ready for it?
Do not focus the child's attention on problems
For example, if a child experiences discomfort from riding an elevator, you do not need to go up to the elevator every time and say: “Don't be afraid, there is nothing wrong with him. Come in. " This is how he gets a problem.
Let the child decide how to dress
There are times when girls don't want to wear dresses or skirts. Moms aggravate the situation by saying, "She's like a boy!" If you relax, it is possible that in the future your daughter will have a friend who will teach her how to wear skirts and dresses.
Develop different roles in the child
If your son is cooking, support him. But at the same time, develop masculine traits in him. The same applies to girls: if your daughter wants to play a male sport, there is nothing to worry about. The main thing is that this does not affect health.
Do not be afraid to contact specialists
There are times when the task of a specialist is to explain to parents that in fact there is no problem with the child. Just at a certain moment, he changed dramatically, dad and mom were not ready and they were confused.
Dads should be role models for sons
The role of a man in a family is very important.
If the child doesn't have a dad, it's important to find an authority to look up to.
This could be a coach or a club leader who will show you an example of male behavior. Children always remember such people.
Do not conflict with grandmothers
Mothers and grandmothers must cooperate. Of course, there are difficulties: when a family lives on the same territory, the child becomes a "lightning rod". We need to look for compromises, because it's great when a child lives in a complete family. During conflicts, ask yourself the question: “Am I doing this to my mother-in-law's evil or really do not agree with her?
Don't be afraid to leave children to grandparents
Many of them do not work, so they can devote all their time to children, play and study with them fully. If you feel stressed, leave the child with the grandmother and go to the gym or for a walk. It will benefit everyone!
Conflicts are not good
In conflicts, the child grows up as a manipulator and blackmailer.
Take time to relax
If the parents are overprotective of the child, they are afraid to leave him, they get tired and are in a state of anxiety. No child is comfortable with an anxious, frantic mom. If you leave for an hour and return home cheerful and in a good mood, nothing bad will happen!
A good mother owes nothing to anyone
For many mothers, the principle of duty is at work. She believes that she should have time for everything and at the same time teach the child to be attentive to herself. But a large number of things lead to fuss, and this will not make life easier for you or your child.
Teach your child to be considerate of himself
Parents show by example why it is important to take care of yourself. Remember this whenever you feel tired, neglect rest, and start breaking down on your family.
Don't look back at others
Many mothers are guided by social standards in raising children. Ask yourself the question: "Am I doing this to please others, or am I only focusing on my child?"
Do not be afraid of childish jealousy
This develops a competitive spirit in children. But it is important for mom to learn how to avoid serious conflicts and switch children to other things.
Spend quality time with your kids
This is especially important if there are several children in the family. For example, you have recently had a child, and the older one is at a loss. Leave the younger one with dad and go for a walk with the older one. But spend quality time so that he does not just stumble around, but plays games with you, has fun and has fun!
Show the older child the advantages of his position
The definition of "senior" presses on the child. Show him all the advantages: consult with him in the choice of products, spend more time with him, do not be afraid to entrust him with small chores around the house.
Older child owes nothing to anyone
Don't tell him he has to share his toys and books.
Children are by nature owners. That is why they are going through a crisis with the appearance of other children.
Show his importance, together with the youngest child, joyfully meet him from kindergarten, provide him with the maximum of positive experiences at this time.
Don't impose obligations on children
When I watch the games of preschoolers, I see that they already very clearly at an intuitive level distribute the social roles of "dads" and "moms." Avoid phrases "In the future you will have to / on …". Nobody knows how their life will turn out. If mom and dad are equally involved in raising children, they do not face gender challenges.
Follow through on your promises
All parents make this mistake. If you have limited the child in something, do not change your mind. Otherwise, your words will be an empty phrase for him.