Editor Natalia Kapitsa - about why you need to stop being good for everyone and live according to the script written for you by your parents.
I am Natasha. I am 34. Until 30, I suffered from the syndrome of an excellent student, the syndrome of an imposter and was distinguished by an unbridled desire to help everyone. Because of this, for most of my life, I did not do what I wanted to do. In order not to upset my parents dreaming of a doctor-daughter in a white robe, I entered the medical school, which was not at all part of my plans. So that people would not think anything bad, I ran to fulfill their requests to the detriment of my own interests. And so that “like people”, she got married and for a long time was in a relationship that was too uncomfortable for herself. Gestalt therapy and life experience helped me to reconsider my outlook on life and start to reckon with my interests (did I say that out loud ?!). I share my findings, which, perhaps, will change your life.
Conclusion number 1: it is impossible to please everyone
Until 30, I wanted to be the "sun", warming everyone around with my rays. This led to the fact that my whole life turned into a "bureau of good offices", in which it is distributed to everyone. Sometimes this obsessive desire not to fail led to serious trouble. I promised something, and then the circumstances changed, but instead of informing about it and peacefully saying "sorry", I wasted my time, nerves, energy and sometimes money on solving other people's issues. I was uncomfortable! But I still didn't know how to say no. The situation was resolved by a psychotherapist. Once he said: “Natasha, if you come to me every time and wash the cups, and then get sick and don’t wash them once, you will still be bad in my eyes. Although this will not change anything in your life."
Oh, how it broke me the first time when I said a categorical "no". And you know what? The world did not collapse, the heavens did not fall, and the person reacted quite normally to this, without changing his attitude towards me. The reason for this behavior is simple: self-loathing. I sincerely believed that the indulgence of others must be earned. If you are too, stop. Unconditional love exists, period.
Conclusion number 2: you need to judge a person by his attitude to himself
“Masha is a terrible person,” a friend whispered in her ear. "She spreads dirty gossip behind her back." Perhaps it was so. But for a friend - not for me. Masha and I had a great time, and she happily responded to my requests, demanding nothing in return. We return to the first point. I cannot be good for everyone. And Masha cannot. So you need to judge people in relation to yourself, and not according to the opinions of others.
Finding # 3: It's okay to be imperfect
With the advent of social networks in our country (and not in ours), there are ten times more beautiful people. And also successful. They "drive" expensive cars, "fly" to expensive resorts and look at you through the screen with almond-shaped eyes, smiling with perfect lips, showing teeth as white as pure china. All these perfections have personally led me into a deep depression. I went to the mirror and saw a shaggy Chupacabra in crumpled pajamas with bruises under the eyes and an uneven complexion. Then I compared this chubacabra with a picture and spoiled my mood. Striving to conform to divine ideals did not lead to success. The blinders fell off after I began to meet these people in everyday life. The picture, to put it mildly, was very different from the virtual one. After that, I didn't even have to work on myself, well, except perhaps to master feistune.
Conclusion number 4: the most profitable investment is investment in yourself
And I'm not talking about plastic surgery now. The best thing that you can do for yourself and your future is to give knowledge. Don't be limited to the university, it's too narrow. Learn languages, go to dances, attend trainings and, most importantly, don't stop. There are so many opportunities now, it's never too late to start.
Conclusion # 5: stopping lying to yourself is a very difficult mission
For a very long time I deceived myself, trying to love the values that others imposed on me. Even when I was alone with myself, I continued to believe that I was very happy among textbooks on anatomy and normal physiology. That I want to take out an apartment on credit and pay it off until the end of my life. I want to eat those cutlets that are on the plate right now. And then I thought and decided: enough is enough! The anatomy textbook was replaced by books on foreign literature, dreams of an apartment on credit - dreams of their own business, and cutlets gallantly gave way to mussels in a garlic-creamy sauce.
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