According to statistics, every second person suffers from the “disliked child” complex. In adulthood, this can manifest itself in different ways: a basic distrust of the world, difficulties in relationships with your other half, low self-esteem, an obsessive fear of making a mistake, or a manic desire to prove something to someone. The latter method, by the way, is the most commonly used. Man does not live for himself! His main goal is to prove to his own parents that he is worthy of love: “Mom, you see, I received the Nobel Prize, now will you love me? Am I not bad? " Let's talk about this.
Each parent loves his child, and if this is not the case, we are already talking about pathology. The fact is that feelings can manifest themselves in completely different ways. Someone is trying to earn all the money in the world so that their beloved child has the opportunity to study at Harvard. Someone leaves work to take him 24/7 to clubs and sports sections. Someone just tries to find time for two in a busy schedule every day.
Today, there are a huge number of books on parenting, in which you can find a lot of advice on how to grow an emotionally healthy, fulfilling person. It wasn't like that in my childhood. It happened in the early 90s, when the main task of most parents was to live “like people”. My mom and dad came up with schemes for additional earnings in order to buy me and my brother Tetris, a set-top box, a VCR, a computer.
In this race for material goods and new sneakers, they had almost no time left for "I love you" and "I'm proud of you." But before going to bed, dad always put a heater in my bed so that after a shower, my daughter lay down on warm sheets.
I realized the value of this heater many years later, after a year and a half of work with a psychotherapist. Before that, I lived with complete confidence that they did not like me. Why did I get it?
It seems to me that one of the reasons for the development of the “disliked child” complex is stereotypes. Someone put into our heads the idea of "correct" love, and we all took this model as a basis. According to this scheme, a loving parent must:
1) take part in the child's life 100%
2) spend as much time with him as possible
3) read at least 50 books on parenting
4) say “I love you” every day and observe at least twenty more points.
My parents didn't. And the brain of an already grown-up girl reacted in the very expected way: "So I was cheated."
The feeling of universal injustice made me rude and offended, making my relationship with loved ones worse and worse. And then I went to therapy, where it dawned on me: the idea of love in my mom and dad was not at all formulaic. Yes, they did everything differently from what is written in books on psychology. But they gave my brother and me the main thing - a happy childhood. We have a great relationship. Let me tell you how we managed to fix them.
5 golden rules
1. Each person has his own idea of love. Yours may well not be the same as your parent, and that's okay. Stop thinking in stereotypes and learn to notice little things. This will help you understand each other better.
2. Start with yourself. Until you yourself change your attitude towards the situation, it will not change. How often do you call your parents and ask how they are doing? How often do you refer to being busy and forget to call back? Stop developing the "disliked parent" complex in them. I think I just invented a new concept in psychology.
3. Talk. Every action has its own rationale. Ask your mom why she worked so hard when you needed her attention. Most likely, after hearing the answer, you may become very ashamed. In the 7th grade, I really wanted a computer, which cost as much as three parental salaries. I got a computer, but the question "Where?" did not even arise.
4. See a psychologist. This is the best thing that can help you if children's grievances do not let go.
5. Write a letter to your parents. And then ask them to answer you. Sometimes emotions are difficult to express in person. Express them on paper. They say she will endure everything.
Popular by topic
Personal Experience: What Is The Difference Between A Genetic Test And A Food Intolerance Test, And Why I Took Them
Tests that will tell you what to eat in order to lose weight and to make your skin perfect seemed like a dream not so long ago. Now genetic tests that determine your predisposition to disease, nutrition and exercise
My name is Tatiana Rogozinskaya. I am 36 years old, I am a PR specialist and the founder of the Mam community of the Southwestern District and Yasenevo District. This year I went through a three week face fitness marathon and I want to tell a story that maybe
I Don't See Anything, I Don't Hear Anything, I Won't Tell Anyone: Women's Habits That Complicate Relationships
BeautyHack.ru editor Nataliya Kapitsa - about what habits spoil relationships and whether it is possible to get rid of them. Mouth on the castle The author of the book "Man from Mars, Wife from Venus" John Gray says that a man and a woman are
This summer, although it did not turn out to be full of travels, was definitely rich in news about new additions to star families. Julia Lipnitskaya, 22, and Sophie Turner, 24, became mothers for the first time, and Ciara, 34, for the third
There was a baby boom in quarantine! Some star couples announce pregnancy (we talked about them here), others - about the birth of children. Someone became parents for the first time, and someone already had a sixth child. All last