Columnist at BeautyHack Anastasia Chistyakova talks about why personal space is important in marriage.
Dreaming of a strong marriage, many girls imply a complete merger with a spouse. All friends are common, all hobbies - in half, all trips - together. And how could it be otherwise, because we will be one!
It's like that. But if one of the halves of this whole wants to break away and go into free swimming, the gap will be bloody, wildly painful and leave an unhealed wound of such a size that it will take years to heal (we wrote about ways to survive the separation here). I do not urge anyone to immediately abandon their planned family vacation or ban all of their husband's or wife's friends on social media. But to check if you have grown too much, I highly recommend it.
I call this the "four pillars" or "stool principle" for myself. While all 4 legs are in place, the stool is firmly on the ground. The three-legged stool is pretty stable too. On two legs, the structure will become shaky and under great threat, but there is a chance that it will not fall apart. If there is only one leg and it breaks, it will hurt to fall.
The first pillar is finance. Regardless of whether you have a common budget or a separate one, the same salaries, or one earns significantly more than the other (and the gender difference does not matter here), you must have an income that would cover your needs at least at the minimum level. In other words, during the breakup and before the division of property, you will stay afloat. I absolutely do not insist that everyone without exception go to work and make a career, here to each his own. Let it be a "financial cushion" on which interest will drip. If there is an apartment donated, inherited or bought before marriage, which belongs only to you, it is generally wonderful. But if there are no "zagashnikov", you need to think in this direction. Of course, you think that this will never affect you. Believe me, if it doesn't touch, you will not regretthat they had a certain financial independence. Moreover: if you do have it, it will not affect you sooner than if you are completely dependent on your partner's income.
The second pillar is friends. Of course, many become common, because together you invite them to a New Year's party or to barbecue. But do not rush to make friends with your spouse. If you have disagreements with him, even conflicts and quarrels, it is better if you have a girlfriend or friend with whom you can share your experiences without putting him or her in an awkward position, because they are also close to your husband … And by the way, this is a great way to “let off steam”: you can complain to your friend about “this bastard” without fear that tomorrow the whole cheerful company will be aware of. In addition, in the event of a divorce, you will not find yourself in a vacuum: in most cases, when a couple breaks up, friends remain at a distance for some time to determine "whose side they are on." And this emptiness is painfulbecause it is at the very first time that support and a sense of fellowship are needed.
The third pillar is hobbies. The chance to get bored with each other to the teeth tends to zero, if each in a pair has some kind of corner, the time that a person devotes to himself and his hobby. Psychologists confirm that couples who spend some time apart are much stronger than those who are not spillable. It doesn't matter what you do: do yoga, study Hindi, go hiking or go to an art biennale. The main thing is that you will have an occupation that you are used to doing for yourself personally, it is this that will save you if you are suddenly left alone. Many after a divorce fall into depression, because in principle they do not understand what to do with the free time: they have always done everything only together. And it's great if your husband likes to go to rallies, participates in marathons or does carpentry: do not be offended and do not demand to spend all the time with you. This is his cornerBorder is locked tight. (I wrote here about why no one owes anything to anyone).
The fourth pillar is yourself. You know yourself better than others and understand where your strengths are, and where - alas, not so much. Strengthen yourself, develop, train. It may be worth improving professional skills. Maybe learn the language. Maybe find time for fitness or spend more time socializing instead of hanging out at home. You need to be sure that you - by yourself - are whole, strong and - pardon the taffetology - confident. If you drive a car, know the phone of a good technician and sort out the rating of quality rubber. If you love to travel, master the search systems for budget tours, organize trips yourself. If you like to manage, know how and where to call a master who fixes stoves and washing machines, learn the simplest manipulations such as clearing a blockage or blocking a riser with water. These are the little thingswhich, it would seem, you do not need here and now, but the possession of these skills is very supportive in a situation when it seems that the earth has gone from under your feet, the sky has opened, there is no one nearby and there is no one to ask for help.
I know you will reproach me, they say, how can that be? Well it turns out to live in constant expectation of a divorce? Of course not. Of course, many couples are happy together until the end of their days, and you should not nervously expect every day that now he will come and say, and the end. But if on a sunny morning you hear in the weather forecast “it may rain in places”, although there is not a cloud in the sky, you still put an umbrella in your bag. This does not prevent you from squinting with pleasure, exposing your face to the sun. It's just in case.
