Psychologist Nastya Butenko (@butenko_psy) about why jealousy "goes" as a couple with anxiety, whether it is possible to cope with it and in what situations the help of a specialist is needed.
About the reasons for jealousy
Jealousy is a complex and interesting topic. It is generally accepted in our country: there is no true love without jealousy - these are complementary concepts. Following this logic, it turns out that sincerity is where there is jealousy. This is not entirely true. Jealousy is a consequence of anxiety.
An anxious partner all the time considers himself unnecessary, underestimated, offended. He thinks that he is not good enough for his other half (read about the ideal woman here). This is called self-esteem. But I don't really like this word. I prefer to look at this phenomenon differently.
Most often, the anxiety of a jealous person “everything is bad in a relationship” has nothing to do with the real state of affairs. For reasons known only to him, he considers himself not good enough.
It is difficult for him to admit it. And therefore, a person begins to transfer anxiety to a partner, rigidly regulating the time of coming home, meeting friends, sharply reacting to any sign of attention from the opposite sex.
About the way to fight
There is a concept of "pathological jealousy" - this is a story about mental disorders that require treatment and the help of a specialist - the only way to cope with the problem).
When we talk about a standard, everyday situation, here we need to get rid of anxiety. Most people do not cope well with their feelings, experiences and emotions, not being able to openly "look them in the eyes." They supplant anxiety, ceasing to feel it and transforming it into aggression towards a partner. So experiences from the series "Something is wrong with me" become experiences from the series "I am not loved enough." It becomes too strong and painful - hard to think about. How not to get bored with each other, I wrote here.
Then jealousy and endless claims to the other come to the fore (it is more familiar and easier to worry about others). These conditions are ideal for developing paranoia. Why is your boss texting you at six in the evening, do you have something? Who is this Andrey in your phone book - a fan? Why is this man in the restaurant looking at you like that - did you flirt with him? If all these claims are translated into "human" language, they will sound like "tell me that only you need me and that it will always be like this!" In fact, this is an emotional and “warm” request. And since it is submitted in the form of a claim, it is impossible to adequately respond to it. More often than not, this ends in swearing.
You can and should deal with jealousy! The "feint" that occurs in the head of a jealous person is easily found on therapy. 99.9% it sounds like "I feel bad, I'm afraid that I will be abandoned because I am not very good." And this is already half of the solution to the problem. When we understand and realize the feeling that we are experiencing at a given moment in time, we stop "running into" another. You need to learn to talk about your anxiety to your partner. It is much easier to respond with warmth than to "Where did you go?" and "Who wrote this SMS?"
Text and interview: Natalia Kapitsa