The Psychology Of Cheating: How To Forgive And Maintain Trust?

How to understand why to maintain a relationship after infidelity, why this happened and is it possible to return everything to square one? Psychologist Irina Belousova - on the psychology of cheating and how to learn to forgive them.

Irina Belousova (@belousova_psychology)

Physician psychotherapist, psychologist

What is considered treason? Gentlemen teachers at one time repeated: cheating - sex on the side, which was learned in the family. If so, it turns out that other emotional movements to the left are not considered treason? And what about the hot correspondence with the young lady, recorded as "Vladik Work"? Not treason, say? Yes, from this one phrase, half of the readers were covered with sweat. What about correspondence on a dating site?

My opinion: cheating is rather a fact about any intimacy movements (not necessarily sexual at once) that broke the trust, committed in secret from the partner. And it doesn't matter if it's an "official" relationship or not. Mistresses also cry when a lover cheats on him with his own wife.

At this crossroads, there are questions of the personal picture of the world of each of the partners, illusions and agreements on the boundaries and rules in relationships, the ability to be close and honest with each other, to speak in words through the mouth about your feelings, trust, interest in each other, psychological protection, responsibility, emotional filling of relationships and their economic aspects, plans for the future, thoughts about old age, morality and much more.

Cheating is a crisis event, unless you have started a relationship with Don Juan and you are “okay”. A couple, if they go through this crisis, goes to a new level of relationship, and there is more awareness, calmness and wisdom. And if you are offended, then you have not gone through the crisis. Only conserved their anger.

We are not easy creatures, friends. Having accepted this alone, it becomes clear why the betrayal ends with the removal of the husband's suitcases now in extremely rare cases - more often other choices are made. But the question of trust, which was in the pair, remains fundamental. It can no longer be restored in its former form, there is no need to harbor illusions about this. But this does not mean that after betrayal, one should put on a life-long crown of thorns, and the other should become paranoid.

The trust

You cannot restore it without closeness and honesty. And you won't be able to return everything back to its original form either. And you will not restore it by simply ending sex on the side. Or not sex - what was there. You know, this is not an easy choice - to make the decision to be honest with a person whom you thought badly yesterday. Hated him for betraying him or felt a sense of shame and guilt that he had changed, and fear that new details would be revealed. And here related questions arise.

Why do you want to stay in a relationship?

For what? Children, property, business together, old age next to someone who has known you for 20 years, the distribution of functions in the family - already in favor of "YES". However, if you say “yes” only because you are dependent on the cheater, then you find yourself in the trap of compulsion - and this is not the most free choice. It would be nice to be aware of why you stay with him, and he - with you. And what will happen if you yourself learn to close your needs, for which you decided to save the marriage? Balancing this system is a good option.

The choice is to be together or not

This is an active choice of two adults, and not the whole family with grandmothers and children. Do not place the responsibility for this choice on children and parents. Become already at least in this adult and responsible, able to admit your most unpleasant feelings and actions. At both sides.

Cheating is trauma and the pinnacle of a crisis, and that's why it hurts so much. If you are especially acutely experiencing betrayal, then, most likely, your betrayal "lay" on the previous traumatic experience with which you need to go to psychotherapy. It's normal that you will be shocked at first, you cannot believe that the person has cheated on you. There will also be anger, shame, fear, sadness. It is normal that “sorry dear / dear” is not enough.

The cheater will feel guilty - so give him the opportunity to atone for it, but do not play prosecutor.

Let him pay with something (no matter what, but take it with real estate) - and then, after redemption, you undertake the obligation not to remember and not peck at his brain. Relationships on the side must be unequivocally terminated: it can be a call to a lover (tse) or a letter. It's good if you see the reaction of your lover and remain confident that your spouse has put an end to it.

And only then do you have a chance to restore trust and emotional exchange (the loss of which, by the way, led to treason). If you think that a torn robe is the reason for treason, then it’s not so (read about women's mistakes in relationships here). The non-inclusion of spouses in each other and in common affairs, and also the loss of interest in each other - that's the reason. And in this reason, both of you played the main roles, therefore, you both have to deal with building peace in the family again.

Do you know how to be close?

Are you able to tell the truth about yourself, even if it is shameful, uncomfortable, unpleasant, does not characterize you from the best side? Not expecting to be pulled out of you with ticks in the manner of interrogation, but yourself? And without half-truths?

There are people who, from childhood, are accustomed to cheating. They do not lie deliberately, but simply are not able to withstand the truth even about their feelings, they constantly play some role, in the fear of looking bad and being rejected (everything about self-esteem is here). If it is so with you, you need psychotherapy. Because in the context of your relationship with your partner, honesty is essential if you want to restore peace.

However, this does not mean that from now on you should turn your whole soul out about everything that happens, as in confession, every evening. What does not concern your partner is only yours.

And do not assume that since the therapist said to be honest, then any of your truth will be greeted with applause and joy. Do not just throw off responsibility at a run and go on the offensive if your partner is angry at your truth.

Make a deal: you both put the truth in the family's "cashier" and no longer remember the betrayal. And whoever remembers - from that fine. Pays for all family vacations for the next 5 years (for example).

Trust to betrayal is akin, rather, to the credulity of a small child who believes that there are no dangers in the world at all, the world will never hurt. However, very soon this turns out to be not so, and the baby is injured by the collapse of his bright vision - about mom and dad, most often. And there is no trust in its former form, but this does not mean that we all become suspicious right after my mother did not buy the "kinder surprise" that she promised.

Trust, as a choice to trust a person, is different. You take into account the circumstances, your own responsibilities and options for behavior if the person does not keep his word. And stay calm with this feeling of being able to rely on the person, but noticing him, and yourself, and your feelings. Whether you like it or not, this new trust is being tested by reality and time. Like a drug addict's remission.