How To Learn To Say “no” (and Is It Necessary)?

2023 Author: Jessica James | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-08-25 04:20

Why is it important to do what you want and not what others dictate? And is it true that if you follow your desires and know how to refuse, everyone will be better as a result? These and other thoughts are in the new text by the journalist Natalia Radulova.

It is not so easy to refuse people - I understood this when my mother first said: "Natasha, collect your toys." But what if you are already an adult, but still do not risk resisting someone else's will and seriously compromise your interests? Why can't you say: “No, I don’t want to”, “No, it doesn’t suit me”, “No, I will not participate in this” - and even find compelling explanations for your reliability?

I'm just very kind

“Who else if not me” is the motto of my friend Ira. She considers herself generous, sympathetic, always able to come to the rescue, almost a saint: if someone calls to go with him in one field, she goes in two. Her relatives invited her to their dacha. Ira did not want to go: far away, there was no Internet and she would have to help in the garden. But, nobly overpowering herself, she went there on Saturday: "Without me they cannot cope." And before that, she promised the new gentleman to go on a date with him - also on Saturday. As a result, Ira was so confused that she simply turned off the phone. Only on Sunday, the gentleman was able to get through, and she obediently rushed to him, leaving the indignant relatives shouting after her: “Who will tie the tomatoes? You yourself agreed! We counted on you! " Ira came to the restaurant straight from the train: with dirty hair, in old sneakers,with a burnt face and hands torn from mosquito bites. And with a packet of zucchini.

And Ira took two loans for her friends, in her own name. Do I need to clarify that these guys' business went bankrupt, and Ira spent five years transferring a significant part of her salary to the bank? At work, this sweet girl is also trouble-free, the boss fills her with documents, she is forced to pore over papers in the office until nightfall, and the employees are convinced that she is having an affair with the boss. Even on her only full-fledged day off this summer, Ira agreed to sit with her neighbor's baby, because she was walking in the center of Moscow. "Don't you want to see the football carnival Nikolskaya too?" - I was surprised. Ira sighed: “I really want to. But I'm just too kind … Will I come with the child?"

But Ira is afraid. Suddenly the relatives will be offended: "Don't wait for SMS on March 8th now." Suddenly the gentleman leaves, and this is the last man in her life who liked her in any way? What if your friends stop inviting you to their company, your boss will fire you, your neighbor won't give you salt on a difficult day? Ira is scared to be rejected, lonely, unnecessary, so she tries to please, to help, but does not have time, gets tired, hides, lets everyone down - what kindness is there!.. Saying "no" in time would improve her relations with people, but to realize this once - too busy, fulfilling its promises.

"They must understand for themselves."

The Japanese do not like the word "no" and rarely pronounce it - such a national peculiarity. Even to the simple question "Can I bring you tea?" they will smile, mutter something evasive: "Everything is already in order", "I would love to, a little later", "Great idea! Mmm … We need to think, "but they will never answer in the negative. However, the Japanese, although they do not speak directly, have learned over the millennia to understand each other's hints. Russians are not so skillful, therefore, trying to appear as polite, they often have to choke on unnecessary tea.

"He himself could not have guessed that I did not want this?" - the girl complains in social networks - the guy brought her a kitten as a gift. And before that, he contacted her on Skype from his parents' house and showed the cat Muska with kittens. The girl was so moved that the guy's mother, who had been looming in the background before, suddenly climbed into the camera: "Do you want such a redhead, Anya?" Anya mumbled: "Thank you." And that's all. In the evening, a tailed mushroom was delivered to her. Now she is hysterical, blaming not only the guy, but also his mother for the lack of extrasensory abilities: "Is it really not clear that if I needed, I would ask for a kitten myself?"

No, Anya, it's not clear. Russia is not Japan. With us, if you do not say clearly “Thank you, no”, everyone will assume that you said “Thank you, yes”. Or they will pretend to think so. Especially if Muska gives birth three times a year.

Although we also have ways to refuse in the Japanese style. Psychologists advise, after someone else's request or proposal that you are definitely not going to fulfill, ask for a pause: “I’ll think about it,” “I will answer later,” “I’ll see my schedule,” “Call back” - during this time, either the person asking him will figure out that you are not just dodging, or you will muster up the courage for a clear refusal. In any case, you will have to defend your interests yourself. And if, like Anechka, you just whine, complain about the slow-witted people and quote Tsvetaeva: “I am waiting for the one who will be the first to understand me as it should …”, then you can be left alone. Surrounded by forty cats.

I don't want to upset my loved ones

The American reality show “Say Yes to the Dress” shows brides who, along with their mothers, sisters, mother-in-law, or girlfriends, come to the salon to choose wedding dresses. Usually, girls, leaving the fitting room, spinning in front of a large mirror and asking their support group: "Well, how?", In the end they make their own decisions. But there are brides who buy what their loved ones like, but not themselves. “Choose this” - her advisers say to such a young lady and dress her in some kind of lace ugliness, and she gasps with disgust, but she cannot say “No, this does not suit me”. It would seem: you are getting married, this is your holiday, you have dreamed about it since the age of five, when you pulled tights over your head and imagined yourself a bride - so now put on what you want, not your second cousin. "But I'm afraid to upset those I love"- the sufferer cries. And he agrees to go to the altar in lace, which he hates.

In one of the episodes, the bride also burst into tears: her mother chose a ball gown for her, and she wanted the "Mermaid" style. The poor fellow did not even dare to leave the fitting room in this magnificent outfit: "I look like a peacock!" and wiped out a whole box of napkins: “Y-yyy… I know that my mother has dreamed of seeing me in this all her life! From the very first day of my life! " It is really difficult for loved ones to refuse - you don't want to ruin their dreams. But is it better to ruin your dreams? “Mom, I would like you to be satisfied and our tastes coincided,” the girl finally told her mother. "But I will die of shame if I appear in this dress at a wedding." Then my mother also cried: “I want a ballroom for you!.. But I will never make you buy what you disgust. I wish you happiness and find the dress of your dreams."

The loved ones want the best for us. So why don't we wish ourselves the same? Yes, sometimes ideas about the best do not coincide, and then you have to answer like that decisive bride. You can, of course, sacrifice yourself, hoping that you will so make everyone around you happy. But usually the effect is different. A bride wearing a dress in which she feels like a peacock will poison everyone with her sour face. A daughter who did not want to disappoint her parents and entered the economics school, although she wanted to study to be a doctor; a wife who enlarged her breasts only because her husband wanted it; steak lover turned vegetarian by her boyfriend - they all have sour faces. No joy. So what's the point? What is the point of their victims, their services, their help, their profound silence and hypocritical consent? They would say “No” right away - everyone would be better.