Why it is useful to quarrel in a couple from time to time and how to do it correctly, says our expert, practicing psychologist, writer Tatyana Ogneva-Salvoni.
Tatiana Ogneva-Salvoni
- There is no smooth relationship. If you see an absolutely cloudless couple who assures that they never, well, they never quarrel, and their life is a complete mutual understanding from a half-movement of an eyebrow, you should know that in front of you are either people who have lived together for 60 years, have gone through wars, divorces, children and grandchildren, while both are deeply religious to the level of holiness, or it is just an illusion built on the rigid totalitarianism of one side and the toxic sacrifice of the other.
Such ideal representations exist, and they can live for quite a long time, and they are very well supported by the admiration of others. Respectable couples, of course, have the most skeletons in the closet, but the most amazing thing happens when one of the parties - the tyrant or the victim, it doesn't matter - runs out of internal resources and any forces to further maintain their ideal system of being in balance. Then the whole castle in the air collapses with such a crash that this case is then discussed for a couple of years in all neighboring districts and surrounding villages.
The life of two people together (and their children, but this is a separate point) is, in general, not an easy test. In spiritual literature, the family is equated with monasticism, since a person goes through similar master classes, gaining tolerance, the ability to self-sacrifice, humility and other virtues in the process. In life together, people not only give each other a lot of joy (otherwise, without consolation, there must be compensation), but also often step on each other's sore corns. However, it is in this paradoxical way that they contribute to each other's personal growth.
All the great psychologists since Jung once dictated the idea that the family is a small therapeutic group. We hurt each other, find out where it hurts, after that we learn not to repeat such mistakes, to take care of the feelings of the other, to sympathize - thus, every day we live in the family, we take another step towards love.
A mistake that lovers often make in couples: do not tell a loved one that they are angry with him for something.
Or that the beloved has hurt them … They keep silent, so as not to scandal. They look at some magical pictures of an ideal family in their imagination or at "illusions" in their environment and … get lost on someone else. On a child, a bystander, colleagues, in social networks. However, if the complaint is not directly expressed to the offender, it only increases the tension in the body and, like an ulcer, grows in the soul.
Somehow a client came to me complaining of terrible pains in the back and shoulders (the reasons are not clear, the doctors shrug their shoulders). In the course of the conversation, it became clear that the deeply repressed anger towards her husband “hurts” into the subconscious. I didn't want to quarrel with him: I liked peace and quiet too much. She looked for other sources of her irritation, continuing to get wildly tired of her husband, who tortured her with his choice of a car. Attempts to talk about what she needed, broke up about his ignorance and the devaluation of her needs - they say, what else do you need, you have everything, but here I am, poor, in need, in dire need of an urgent purchase of a car, but I don’t know, what and what color to choose, to issue a purchase on credit, or to stay on the budget option, or, or … In short, I got it out with my throwing so that my shoulders began to fall off. And I couldn't say anythingwith the last of her strength she kept in her head the image of a wise understanding wife, who has everything for her husband and nothing for herself.
And when she finally threw out her rage on him, a small miracle happened. Well, firstly, the shoulders and back somehow immediately felt better - they even stopped falling off, and secondly, it suddenly dawned on my husband what kind of car he wanted, so that all his questions, which hung like a heavy load for a long time in the air (or on the shoulders of his wife) resolved in a second. A small quarrel only made their relationship healthier, allowed them to become more honest and closer to each other. Both exhaled right now - phew! It turns out that you can show your grievances - and nothing, your beloved will not collapse from this.
In family quarrels, two points are important: it is necessary to talk about the patient and make claims when it is no longer possible not to speak or not. And even if the conversation is in a raised voice, there is nothing to worry about.
The main point is the second. It is important to make a decision within yourself: I am with this person forever.
Whatever it is, no matter how it goes, this is my dear person, I am with him to the grave, and therefore I will endure everything.
They do not change horses on the crossing. The oath at the altar is why it is so important. A conscious, serious decision helps you not to be afraid to clarify the relationship. And this is necessary then to stop playing in ideal families or acting out their childhood fantasies mixed with parental scenarios. In the process of an honest exchange of opinions, even with slamming doors and waving hands, stability is born - a very valuable quality in life.
