Famous designer Philip Plein pleases fans of a photo with a new girlfriend every month. Pictures are always accompanied by a caption from the “one in a million” series. Under one of the photos, Philip Morgan's ex-girlfriend Boseman left a comment: "Perhaps you meant 'one in a million'?" In the new section BeautyHack, psychologist Nastya Butenko (@butenko_psy) told why some men are not able to build long-term relationships, what they run from and whether it is possible to "tame" a polygamous boyfriend. Spoiler alert: Consider if you need this, because there are two people working on the relationship. With a man prone to cheating, you can waste your energy, because there is no guarantee that everything will work out.
Nastya Butenko
Practicing psychologist
About cheating and genetics
Anyone can change. But there are people who are more inclined to this. Under the influence of the environment in which they grew up, they simply do not see the reason why they should not cheat on their partner. In such cases, a person has more freedom and permissiveness.
The tendency to cheat is a personality and character traits that, on the one hand, are laid by nature, on the other, they are acquired in the course of development. In other words, the factors of treason can be divided into genetic and social.
Philip Plein is really a prime example of polygamy. The most interesting thing is that his captions under the photo can really be sincere - it is difficult to be categorical in this matter. There are men who are actually constantly in the hormonal stage of falling in love. They need it. Entering into a new relationship, they sincerely believe that this is true love that will last forever. In fact, this is just an infantile childhood experience. It's very superficial. Everyone goes through this stage of relations: we see a person and want to possess him. The next stages are deeper. Polygamous men often do not reach them. When there is no attachment, it is very easy to change the love object.
About the reasons for polygamy
Polygamy is explained not only by the hormonal background. Part of this is the inability to maintain strong, stable relationships. The reasons why a person easily enters the first stage of a relationship, but does not move on to the next, can be different.
Let me give you an example. Sometimes children lack deep affection for their mother. This is typical for those who were born in 80-90 - the parents gave the kids to be raised by their grandmother, and they themselves worked and occasionally took them away for the weekend. This is still practiced now. At the same time, the child develops internal expectations: "Mom, I'm here, I'm waiting for you." But my mother does not come for a week, limiting herself to one day - long parent-child relationships do not work. Of course, the child is happy to see a working mom soy, but he has no opportunity for deep affection. Growing up, the child understands: “I can cook dinner, give flowers, spend time with you. But how exactly to build a deep and warm relationship - I don't know. There is no such scenario in my experience."
On whether it is possible to fight polygamy
Most people build relationships according to the parenting model. We want to completely belong to someone and that someone completely belongs to us - everyone has this childish desire. When you enter a relationship with a man who is not prone to long-term attachment, be prepared: it will take a lot of effort to develop it. From time to time the girl will have to prove her own need. If she has enough strength, patience and desire, she will have to show with her behavior all the time: “I'm waiting for you, I'm not going anywhere. I'm safe. I will not offend. " This manifests itself in some completely ordinary things: a delicious dinner, sincere conversations, support. In this case, it is not about passion and sexual affection, but about the warmth that you can give. Only with such a model of behavior is there a chance that a man will "warm up" and understandthat his free is not limited in any way and will understand why such a relationship is needed.
The second important point. By entering into a relationship, a polygamous man understands that he can change by offending and injuring a person. If a woman turns out to be important and necessary, there is a fear of hurting the person. When this thought clicked in a man's head, it was already half the success. He makes an informed choice, weighing the cost of treason. But this is only possible if the man feels safe. Read more about male egoism here.
Relationships after infidelity
Difficult question. 99% of women will answer that after infidelity they will immediately break off relations with a partner. In fact, these 99% remain. And this is not a story about resolving a situation. It's more about patience, which we are taught from childhood.
There is a normal life after infidelity only when the partners agree and understand what happened. They need to reconsider their relationship and the value of each other.
If they agree that they do not want to hurt each other, the one who cheated took responsibility, and the one who was cheated realized that he was ready to listen, a happy ending is possible.
It is generally accepted in our country that both are to blame for treason. I do not share this point of view. Not only has a person been cheated on, but he also constantly feels the guilt that was imposed on him, and all the time to return to it, analyzing his behavior and making even more mistakes than before.
To survive cheating, the one who did it must explain the reason, no matter how silly it sounds. The injured party must accept the situation and make it clear: “I am ready (ready) to listen to you, to understand. I will trust you again no matter how much it hurts."
What to expect in a relationship with a polygamous partner
Women who enter into a relationship with a polygamous man and who know that a person is most likely not capable of stable attachment, as a rule, have one psychotype. More often than not, they are obsessed with a super-idea: "I will become that special one who will break the vicious circle." Everyone has this hope.
To enter into a "pathological" relationship, you need to have your own unhealthy history, where the woman acts as a "rescuer". Here we are talking about codependent relationships (we will talk about them separately). The girls act out their childish scenario and do not understand that this is a road to nowhere.
The reasons for this behavior must be sought in childhood. If, for example, a girl grew up in a family with a drinking dad who was constantly “rescued” by her mother, this model of behavior becomes the norm for her. She just doesn't know how to build relationships differently. In adulthood, a girl behaves in the same way as her mother. We wrote here how relationships spoil your life for show.
My main advice for those who enter into a relationship with a "polygamous" man: understand, the percentage chance that they will be successful is low. If you are already in such a relationship and you can't get away from it, take care of yourself. It is impossible for one person to build a relationship. And there is no single scenario that can be played out for everyone. But you can try to create favorable conditions in which the man feels safe and changes his behavior. Although this is quite rare.
Interview and text: Natalia Kapitsa
