And The Girl Is Ripe: 10 Rules Of An Adult Woman (Part One)

2023 Author: Jessica James | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-08-25 04:20

Ksenia Wagner - about the danger of infantilism and how to grow up at any age.

Ask Yandex what time a person grows up - and he will offer a bunch of articles, including about the frontal cortex of the brain, which is responsible for foresight, judgment, control, the ability to learn from one's mistakes - and is fully formed no earlier than 25 years.

I don't know what happened to my crust at 25, but today, at almost 31, there is an ocean between me in those years and me today. Quiet.

And the matter, of course, is not about age as in numbers (you must admit that there are also students of Socratic wisdom and old kindergarteners).

It's just that from 27 to 30 different events happened to me (I wrote about them here, here and here), which “turned” me into psychotherapy. All this together - difficulties, victories, conscious changes and painstaking study of myself - helped me, by the time I was 30, finally change my romper for dresses.

Although “finally” is a superfluous word, it’s good that this, in principle, happened. Some stay in sliders until retirement, and even drag you to their playpen with poop.

As in all of us, I still have an inner child (according to psychologists, he is largely responsible for spontaneity, healthy curiosity, the ability to be surprised, and much more).

But today he does not control my life - he is controlled by an adult who remembers and tries to comply with five rules from the list below, seemingly simple, but in fact impossible without inner maturity and love for oneself.

First, do not look for an “external” Adult in any situation

Having already graduated from university, in the first years of my professional life, I often called my mother in any more or less stressful situations. And later, having met the future husband, both my mother and him.

Non-matured and anxious individuals need to "attach" to someone, so that someone becomes their "magic wand", or a cistern for fears. So in neurotics, the inner child dominates, looking for an Adult who will protect, help, show or, at least, say "everything will be fine." A mature person knows how to find support, support and advice in himself. He himself comprehends and tries to solve his problem, and only if this is impossible, he turns to others.

Second: at the same time, do not strive for heroism and adequately assess your capabilities

We are often exhausted, taking on everything we can. We grunt, puff, sweat and tears, but carry our burden from day to day. What for?

Many play the role of a "fellow" unconsciously - this is how a child appears in them, who was not praised enough in childhood. This is a typical behavior of the drowned children who grew up with the “you have to” attitude (anything but one - be happy).

The stories when a young mother turns pale, loses weight and does not sleep for days, just not to let the grandmother on the doorstep or not to take the nanny (I can MYSELF!), Almost always have one end. Either the mother has a nervous breakdown, or the attitude for life that the child “owes her for her heroism (remember, as in Prostokvashino - I didn’t sleep nights because of you!), And the child has a feeling of guilt and an eternally exhausted mother eyes. Here you will run away not only to the village, to the ends of the world with a cat, just not to listen to eternal reproaches.

After the very first migraine, which happened to me from lack of sleep on GW, I, having previously decided to address my relatives less, called everyone who could help. And I agreed on their "shifts" with the older children for a week in advance to organize a nap for myself.

Because without him, I risked becoming dependent on painkillers, being left without milk and turning from a peaceful mother-tenderness into a nervous chant.

The ability to separate the emotional (I want to be an ideal mother and do everything myself!) And rational (how will it actually be better for all participants in the process?) Is one of the key differences between an Adult and a child. Pay attention to the word "ALL" - it does not imply either self-sacrifice or oppression of others.

Third: to acknowledge and accept that my parents do not owe me anything

When I gave birth to my first child on a powerful career path, it was a matter of course for me that after leaving the maternity leave, my non-working mother would "sit down" with her son.

I myself was still such a child that I simply DECIDED it for both of us, without thinking whether my mother WANTS this and whether she is ready for a different life regime.

A gentle and devoted person to me, my mother quietly accepted my decision. And only after a rather difficult year for both of us - and after a psychologist appeared in my life - it dawned on me that I had to look for a nanny and move out of my parents' dacha to my nest. Because every adult has a right to his or her life. And he must be respected.

When I later discussed with a psychotherapist how to behave correctly with my two-year-old son, the doctor mentioned childhood insatiability - babies are never "enough" toys, games, attention, goodies, etc. And if the child is not trained to hiccups, then he takes all this for granted.

At that moment, I thought that many adults remain such children in relation to their parents all their lives - at 20, 30, and 40 years old, believing that they MUST help them with children, give money, provide housing, etc..d.

But in fact, after 18 years of age, any help from parents is a gift, not a debt. Switching in the head the mode of “waiting” for parental help to the mode of “gratitude” for it is an important skill of a mature personality, without which it is difficult to build healthy, and not neurotic, relationships with the older generation.

Fourth: accept parental imperfection

Oscar Wilde has a wise saying: “Children start with love for their parents. Growing up, they begin to judge them. Sometimes they forgive them."

I do not know people from complete families, not destroyed by tragedies, who would not have a single "grudge" against mom or dad. The size of the claims varies - someone cannot forgive a divorce, someone screams and assault, someone - nervous diarrhea from circles, and someone - that there were no circles at all.

There is one thing in common in these stories: a person associates any of today's failures / problems / difficulties with “undernourishment” in childhood. And by this he constantly returns himself to a time when he was weak and not independent.

Cutting the rope that most of us are tied to is difficult - but essential for growing up. As long as the other end of the rope is in the hands of the “unforgiven” parent, it controls your life - from the past or the present, it doesn't matter.

Being an adult means taking responsibility for your life. The past may be different, but it is gone and will not return. And today is in our hands like a living, fluttering bird. And only we decide what breed it is - an eagle or a titmouse. You can let go of all unnecessary - and rise to the very sky. Or you can circle over the grass, endlessly looking for worms and boogers in the past.

Fifth: to feel grateful

For a long time, “complaints” about life have been an integral part of my personal heroism. It seemed to me that the more I talk about stress at work, health problems and other hardships, the more “well done” I am that I live with all this. Sufferer, but strong like that.

And only after depression, for the first time truly loving life, I gave up this poisonous habit of whining.

Complaining about life is not just pointless, but destructive. This "crying" energy repels from us - strong and bright people and, like acid, eats away at the body at the physical level. Whiners do not sleep well, get sick a lot and are sick before forty, because they attract everything they complain about threefold.

In addition, envy often becomes the flip side of whining - "but Katya has …", "well, of course, if you have a rich husband," etc.

A person subject to envy completely amputates the part of the soul responsible for happiness, because in the environment there will always be someone who is richer and more successful. An adult does not chase after anyone, sticking out his tongue. He walks through life with a firm, measured step, looking around with curiosity, enjoying the sky, the sun and the warmth of his body, sometimes stopping, sometimes accelerating, he can stumble and even fall, but he finds the strength to get up and continue on his way, not sparing his pants, soiled dust.

Sometimes he quietly whispers to himself, "I'm an adult!" and smiles clearly. He is happy - and he has something to be proud of.