Singer Lera Tumanova (@ariababyfashion) told how she brings up her daughter Aria, why she believes that in relations with children, you need to solve problems, and not react to reactions, and why teach the child to articulate his feelings.
“I didn’t even think about what rules I will adhere to in raising a child during pregnancy. Then I held on to my lifestyle with all my might, not wanting to realize that everything would soon change. Perhaps it was for this reason that during the first months I did not feel the happiness of motherhood, but struggled with postpartum depression. From the moment the child is born, not only the schedule changes, but also the attitude towards the family and lifestyle. The rules of upbringing have not been established in our country every second. They appear every day after analyzing their own mistakes and correct conclusions. I will share those that have become the norm in our family."
Rule number 1: equal responsibility of parents for the child
If a man works 12 hours a day, of course, taking care of the baby will completely fall on the shoulders of the mother. But any, even the craziest schedule, can be discussed! Mom can also work and contribute to the family budget. I think that the father should be given time to be with the child. Don't play the hard-line leader and 24/7 super mom if there are other options (and there always are). “Daddy won't do it” is a bad attitude. Do not deprive him of the opportunity to try and prove himself. My husband and I try to share responsibilities and even put the baby to bed in turns. 2 days out of seven always belong to dad!
Rule # 2: Equal Authority of Both Parents
The second rule follows from the first: parents should "blow one tune." To do this, you need to agree in advance not to play the good cop and the bad cop. Only in this way the child will be aware that there is a single position in the family, which both mom and dad adhere to. Of course, this is a difficult story to realize. Often you want to pamper your daughter and quietly allow something that daddy forbade. But I pull myself together. Remember: if there is also a grandmother in your family, she, as the third player, cannot be a separate “pike” fulfilling wishes. This is generally from the realm of fantasy - right? (laughs)
Rule # 3: Free Will
There is no need to impose your interests on the child (read more about infant centrism here). Aria is madly in love with dolls and outfits. She can even walk at home in fluffy dresses, although this is uncomfortable. But we allow her to do this and do not force her to film even at the table. At three years old she played with dolls and gave such dialogues that whole performances were obtained. They gave it to acting for kids. She is delighted! There children play fairy tales by roles, learn songs. If I saw her penchant for sculpting or love for Lego, I would develop in this direction. We do not prohibit, but try to explain everything in a language understandable to our daughter. I never say no, that's all. I let the child understand: it is dangerous, bad, not beautiful, rude - I explain why this is not possible.
Rule # 4: Solve the problem, not discuss the reaction
Let's say I go to work, Aria stays with her grandmother and starts crying out loud. I don’t say “stop crying, I’ll be back soon”. It doesn't mean anything to the child at all! I outline the problem: “Aria, baby, are you upset that mom is leaving? Are you afraid that she will not come and you will miss? I understand, I will also be very, very bored, I am going to earn money for which my dad and I can buy you a new doll. " Now stones can be thrown at me for too early commodity-money relations. I do not think so. Honesty and sincerity in front of a child is an important aspect of parenting.
Rule # 5: talk about your feelings
A child is very early able to understand himself and understand you, if everything is explained correctly. Anger, resentment, jealousy, fear, sadness are important feelings that need to be expressed and experienced. Are you mad dear? Let's talk to you? Who upset you? Usually, mothers of girls are more likely to discuss the emotions of the child. Boys' mothers often “sin” with the phrase “men don't cry” (read phrases that cannot be said to a child here). This approach leads to isolation. The child stops expressing his feelings openly, suppressing them every day. This can lead to complexes and nervous breakdowns in adolescence. The child is crying because he is bitter, not because he wants to upset you! Help him get over his grief, whether it is a boy or a girl.